


Slipping

by Lindira



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Memories, Romance, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-12
Updated: 2013-04-22
Packaged: 2017-11-20 22:51:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 24,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/590534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lindira/pseuds/Lindira
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In his final days, Thane slips into memories of his last love. A love story in glimpses and stolen moments.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story began because I saw how the Thane Romance was handled in ME3 and knew that I could fix it. Because Thane and Shepard deserved better. All canon events from the game still occur (with some tweaking and re-writing), so please keep that in mind when reading. ME2 and ME3 Spoilers ahead.

The room is silent, save for the faint hum of machines, the hiss of oxygen flowing into my mask. Each breath feels like drowning. My limbs tingle unpleasantly and my eyelids feel heavy, but I hang on to consciousness. I have so few waking moments left. I cannot afford to sleep through them.

Kolyat sits on a chair in the corner of the room, reading. I can't speak to him. I have little enough air to fill my lungs, let alone talk. I've explained to him before that he needn't stay when I'm like this, but he insists on sitting with me. And I thank the goddess Arashu for his forgiveness. It's very difficult for drell to forgive, as there is no forgetting. The smallest slight lives on for eternity, relived in an instant. And my slight against him was not at all small. He is so much like his mother.

My thoughts wander. As I often do when I am forced to lie here in this hospital bed, clinging to every breath, I think of Shepard. My heart fills with worry. Earth was attacked by Reapers only days prior, and I haven't heard whether she escaped the onslaught. I am driven to near madness, thinking she may already be dead. Or worse, turned into one of those things… a mindless husk, a monstrous shell with her face…

My breath turns even still more ragged, and I hack out several gurgling coughs. Kolyat is by my side at once.

"Father, are you all right?" His face is filled with concern. "Should I call for a nurse?"

I shake my head and wave him off.

"Are you sure?"

I nod. The medicine the nurses give me does make the pain go away for a time, but leaves me so drowsy that I drift in and out of dreamless sleep. I don't want to sleep. I can sleep when I've passed across the sea.

Kolyat settles back into his chair, and I attempt to clear my mind of panicked thoughts. Instead, I allow myself to slip into memories of my siha.

ooo

Sharp music pounds in my ears. Flashes of color dart across the dimly lit club. Siha had promised to treat the crew to drinks on the Citadel if we survived the Collector base, and she was true to her word. As she, Joker, and Dr. Chakwas reminisce about the old Normandy, I observe the others. Jack and Yeoman Chambers are teaching Tali provocative dance moves. Mordin consults with the bartender about the most effective concoction of beverages to get a tank-bred krogan intoxicated. Jacob and Garrus stand at the bar nearby, trading war stories.

I hear a lull come over the conversation at our table and I clear my throat. "Siha," I say, "would you care to dance?"

Joker and Dr. Chakwas both laugh.

I blink at them in surprise. "Is something funny?"

Garrus has overheard and puts a hand on my shoulder, grinning. "Thane, I'm afraid our illustrious leader can't dance."

Siha crosses her arms. "I can dance," she protests.

"So can elcor," Joker says, "but that doesn't mean they should."

"You're one to talk," she replies indignantly.

"That's different. Your limbs work fine. I could break a tibia."

"Surely she can't be that bad," I insist.

"Famous last words," Garrus says, still grinning. "Famous last words."

Siha looks up at me and takes my hand. "I would love to dance, Thane," she says, a defiant note in her voice.

She leads me to the dance floor, the music shifts. We begin to move.

The beat of the music is steady, strong – but her movements are almost erratic and haphazard. Her arms are everywhere and her feet step on mine more than once. Laughter ripples out of me. She looks ridiculous. How can someone so graceful on the battlefield be so lacking on the dance floor?

She gives me a sheepish smile. "They warned you."

"No warning… could have… prepared me for this!" I manage to say between gasps for air.

We hear more laughter coming from the sidelines as the crew take in the spectacle she is making of herself. Siha continues to dance, undaunted. "I've never seen you laugh like that before," she shouts over the music.

My laughter subsides into chuckles. She can't hear them, but I feel little wheezing coughs come up as well. I ignore them, and smile at her. "I didn't have reason to."

She rewards me with a grin that makes her gray eyes sparkle in the colored lights. She twirls in a circle, continuing to move clumsily with abandon.

My siha is fearless.

ooo

When I emerge from the memory, Kolyat has looked up from his book and is watching me. "You were thinking of Commander Shepard?" he says, more a statement than a question.

I nod and raise my brow questioningly.

"You were smiling," he answers. "You almost always smile when you think of her."

My breathing is easier now, and I remove my oxygen mask momentarily to speak. "It was… a good memory."

Kolyat nods. "I'm glad for you, Father. You deserve someone who makes you happy."

Once more, my heart swells with pride. He is a good son. So much more than I deserve.


	2. Chapter 2

I have heard rumors that the Normandy docked at the Citadel nearly a week prior, having stayed in port a few hours before taking off again. I send Shepard a message, praying she is onboard.

I have been having a stretch of good days. I cough often, and my fingertips feel numb, but I'm almost myself again. I can roam the hospital – even venture to the Presidium Commons, if I tell a nurse where I will be. Every now and then, I attempt some light exercise. I tire easily, but do not overstrain myself.

Today, I find myself by the café overlooking the Presidium gardens and lakes. I sit at a table to meditate, but I can't clear my mind. Though I now have reason to hope Siha is alive, I still worry for her. Wherever she is, she's undoubtedly at the heart of this war. She is in danger, and I can do nothing to help her. I have accepted this as fact, that my time to fight at her side is over. And yet, I worry.

I try to distract myself, and let my mind wander.

ooo

I lie with her in her quarters. I run my hands over her naked skin, possessed with a sudden desire to count the tiny spots that decorate her skin like a speckled egg. Freckles, she calls them. She murmurs appreciatively, tired after our lovemaking. I breathe her in, her subtle scent clean with a hint of gun oil.

I look down at her, surprised by a sudden realization. I breathe more easily here. And not merely because of the calming effect Shepard has on me. "You lowered the humidity in here."

Her eyes open and meet mine. "I asked EDI to tweak the environmental controls."

I notice differences in the skin under my own. It's ever so slightly drier, rougher. "It's making you uncomfortable."

She reaches out to touch the ridges on the side of my face. "Don't worry about it. It's nothing a few extra glasses of water won't fix."

I'm touched by her consideration. "You're sure?"

She gives me a smile, warm and reassuring. "Of course. And I… I was thinking. Maybe you could move up here. I have plenty of space." A hint of sadness flickers across her face. "We have so little time. I want to spend as much of it as I can with you."

I settle into the bed and cradle her in my arms. "I feel the same. I will reside with you here, if that is your wish."

"It is."

We lie together in silence for a time. I gaze across the room. She has, little by little, been making changes to her cabin. Her aquarium is filled with species native to the waters of Kahje. She has allowed me access to her private terminal so I can send messages to Kolyat. It has been a long time since I have had a place to call home. We have known each other for so little time, and already she is irreplaceable. Family.

It is easy for me to forget that we've only known each other for a few months. There is so much I still don't know about her. For instance… "Siha?"

"Hmm?"

"It occurs to me that I don't know your first name."

She chuckles. "Good."

"Good?" I repeat. "How is that good?"

"I'd rather everyone just call me 'Shepard'."

She's being evasive, and it intrigues me. "Is it a human custom to hide their names? As with the Illusive Man?"

She laughs again. "No, I'm not trying to be mysterious. I just don't like my name."

I press my lips to her temple. "I don't think you want me to guess what it is," I say, smiling. "Anything I think of will likely be worse than the real thing."

She props herself up on one elbow. "You promise not to laugh?"

"I wouldn't do that, Siha."

"Okay," she says, with lingering hesitation. "Well, it's Rhubarb." Her face creases with distaste.

"Why does that embarrass you?" I ask, confused. "Does it mean something?"

She sighs. "It's a vegetable. People bake them into pies."

A ghost of a smile touches my lips.

She throws a pillow at me. "You promised not to laugh!"

"I wasn't laughing. Merely smiling," I say, grinning now.

"It's nearly the same thing with you," she replies, laughing as well.

"Why are you named after a vegetable?"

Siha shrugs. "Not a clue. I never knew my parents. I'm not even sure it was them who named me. It might've been the people at the orphanage where I was raised."

I pull her closer, her head resting on my arm and her back against my chest. She's never spoken of her childhood before. "That must have been difficult."

"Yeah, it was. I hated it there. I ran away as soon as I could take care of myself." She pauses, lost in thought. "That was probably a bad idea, in retrospect. It's hard for a kid on the streets. I did a lot of things I'm not proud of in order to survive."

I kiss her copper hair. "I'm sorry."

She turns her head and smiles at me. "Don't be. It was hard, but it made me who I am. Sure, my life wasn't easy, but it led me to you." She looks at me with intensity, her eyes the color of a thunderstorm brewing in the horizon. "It sounds so cliché, but I really haven't ever felt this way about anyone. I…" She pauses with a deep intake of breath. "I love you, Thane," she whispers. "So much."

I brush her hair out of her face. "I love you, Siha."

She draws my face close to hers and our lips meet.

ooo

I rouse from the memory and look around. Much time has passed. C-Sec officers are switching shifts, and the Presidium is full of businesspeople on their way home to their apartments. I get up from the table and head back to the hospital. The nurses will soon wonder where I am.

When I return to the hospital, I pass a room close to mine. The human inside had been brought in several days ago, having been badly injured. He is awake now, and sees me look in. He greets me with a smile. "Hey," he says. "Mind chatting for a bit? I'm waiting for some test results, and bored out of my mind." He beckons me inside, and I see no reason not to comply. "You're drell, right? Don't see many of you outside of Kahje."

Oddly, seeing him makes a brief memory flash behind my eyes. A picture on Siha's desk, half-seen out of the corner of my eye. Later, the picture frame face down beside her terminal. I nod. "Correct. We are relatively few, even within the hanar homeworld."

"What're you in for?"

"Kepral's Syndrome." He looks sympathetic, but confused, so I add, "It is a lung disease that often afflicts my people."

"I see," he says. "I'm sorry to hear that."

"Thank you. And you?"

He points to his face, which is marred by many large purple bruises. "Got banged up a bit in a fight with Cerberus. Jostled my implant, so the doc's having it checked out."

"I see." His mention of Cerberus makes me uncomfortable, given my recent allegiance with them, but I don't speak of it. "You are a biotic, then?"

He nods. "Yep, with Alliance military. I have one of those old L2 implants. They give me migraines, but I'm lucky that's all they are. It'd be nice to get an upgrade, but the surgery is really dangerous. I only know one person who got an upgrade – from an L3 to an L5n… but those were, uh, special circumstances, I guess."

"Strange," I say, thinking of Shepard. "I know someone who received the same upgrade."

"Really?" he responds, surprised. "Small world! Or… uh, galaxy, as it were." His eyes get a faraway look, the one I am accustomed to seeing on humans when they lose themselves in thought. "This woman I spoke of – real classy lady. Beautiful, smart, tough as nails. Born leader. Never met anyone like her before. I'm hoping she comes to visit. I said some stupid stuff a while back, and I'd like to hash it out with her, you know? We didn't really get a chance to talk."

I begin to feel uneasy. "This woman, she's in the Alliance as well?"

He nods again. "We served together on the Normandy SR-1 three years ago. We were pretty close back then. Not so much now, I guess." His eyes regain their focus, and he smiles at me. "You've probably heard of her, actually. She's Com-"

The door opens behind me and a salarian doctor comes in. He recognizes me. "Tannor," he says, calling me by the pseudonym I gave the hospital. "I see you've met Major Alenko."

"Hey, Doc," Alenko says. "He was just keeping me company while I was waiting for those results."

The doctor nods. "If you don't mind leaving the room, Tannor, I have to discuss some things with the Major."

I stand from my chair. "Not a problem. I shall check in with the nurses." I turn towards the door.

"It was good to meet you," Alenko calls after me.

"And you," I say, and walk down the corridor towards my room.

A nurse waves to me as I enter the room. There is food waiting for me on a tray, and though I have not eaten in hours, I find I'm not hungry. I sit on the bed and stare out the window towards the Presidium.

I've never felt jealousy before. It shames me to feel this way. But I am certain that that man was speaking about my siha. He was the man in the photograph.


	3. Chapter 3

I stand in the Patients' Lounge beside the large windows overlooking the Presidium. My conversation with Major Alenko the other day has left me ill at ease, and I work out some of my frustrations with light exercise. Other patients and their visitors give me strange looks as I punch the air, but I have learned to ignore their staring.

I hear someone clear her throat behind me and I turn. My surroundings seem to fall away. A rush of relief and joy fills me at the sight of her. Auburn hair. Gray eyes. The corners of her delicate mouth upturned in an amused smile. Intact. "Siha," I breathe, taking her hands in mine. "I heard Earth was under attack. I didn't know you'd made it out."

"Thane," she greets. Her voice warms with my name. My joy is mirrored in her twinkling eyes. "It's been too long. I was beginning to think I'd never see you again." Her words sound as if she's joking, but we both know that it was a genuine fear.

"I sent you a few messages while you were incarcerated, but I suspect they never got past the guards."

She stares at our hands together, as if not believing they're real. "No, they let me have them. After they'd read them, of course. I wanted to reply, but they wouldn't let me. I'm sorry."

I shake my head. "You needn't apologize. I'm merely glad you're safe. What're you doing here?"

She smiles. "I got your email. I came as soon as I could."

My cheeks warm. "You did not need to come all this way just for me."

"It's been months since I've seen you. How could I not?" she says. "Besides, the crew could use a couple days shore leave. And I figured I could visit a friend while I'm here. Kaidan. He got hurt protecting me."

I feel myself stiffen at his name, but my voice does not betray my jealousy. "The human biotic in intensive care. We have spoken," I say, coughing. After a moment's hesitation, I decide to simply ask her about it directly. "He was holding out hope that a woman would visit him. Is there something I should know about you two?"

She lets go of my hands and begins to pace. "We were together for a while before the first Normandy was destroyed." She pauses, looking for words.

"And grew apart, I gather."

"Yeah, you could say that. Kaidan's a great guy, but… well, he isn't you." She gives me a small, coy smile.

Relief washes over me for a second time. "Your enemies may try to finish him off here. I will look out for him."

She puts a hand on my arm. "I appreciate it, Thane."

"I am near the end of my life. It's a good time to be generous," I tell her. "I have few loves left, and you are my last. Let me do what I can for-"

I suddenly find her mouth pressed against mine. The kiss is brief, but holds tantalizing promises of much more. I smile. "Well," I say, pleased with her forwardness. "I see you want to make up for lost time." The smile falls when I remember where we are. "But I must warn you that you may not want your last memories of me to be here in this hospital. Kepral's Syndrome is… not kind."

"Don't worry about that," she says as we sit down. "I'll take whatever memories of you I can get."

She asks about my sickness – how much time I have left, how I'm feeling. Her face is creased with worry. I feel selfish. Her homeland lies in ruins, the fate of the galaxy rests on her shoulders, but she spares her concern for me. I let her talk, answering her questions when needed. She tells me about the mission she has taken on. "Sure could use you."

The prospect of fighting by her side once more is so very tempting. But I could never allow myself to put her in danger. I shake my head. "I would not be as I was before. I need daily medical attention. And if I know you, you will want to fight the Reapers somehow. You need the best at your side, and I am not at mine."

She appears disappointed, and for a moment, my resolve wavers. She suggests I could do lighter work for them, something non-combative. But I had told her once before, I have been an assassin my entire life. I have few other skills. I dare not make myself a burden on her. And though Dr. Chakwas and the med-bay could undoubtedly care for my needs, my progressing illness will distract her from her duty. It is with a heavy heart that I decline her offer.

Siha sighs, but does not press me further. Instead, she smiles. "Enough about Kepral's, then. How have you been otherwise? Good? How's Kolyat?"

"He's doing well, and visits often," I say, returning her smile. "He now works with C-Sec in an official capacity. Commander Bailey has been most kind."

"I'm glad to hear it."

"A year ago, I would not have thought it possible to even speak with my son, let alone enjoy the friendly relationship we have today. I have you to thank for that."

She shakes her head. "Really, it was nothing."

"No, Siha. It was everything."

Her cheeks turn pink, and she turns her gaze to our joined hands. This is the side of her only I have the privilege of seeing. The Soldier is fierce, stalwart, and unrelenting. The Woman is all of those things, but with an endearing vulnerability. I alone am trusted with her weaknesses. The abandoned orphan called Rhubarb. The teenaged miscreant surviving on the streets. The woman who fears letting others get too close. I live to see this side of her. For Shepard the Soldier doesn't need me to protect her. Shepard the Woman wants me to.

"You know," she says, with a flirtatious lilt to her voice. "I've got a few free moments. Do you want to spend a little time together?"

"I'd like that," I tell her. I stand, feeling a small burst of anxiety. "You should understand that my cardiovascular system is not what it wa- Mmm…"

My words are cut off by her mouth. Hungry this time. It contains no hidden promises, but need.

After a few moments, she pulls away. "You were saying something?"

In my mind, I thank the goddess Arashu for my good fortune. To have her in my arms, to call her mine once more. "I've missed you, Shepard."

We kiss again, reveling in each other's touch after months apart. It is some time before we must come up for air, and when we do, small coughs leave my lips. Siha's cheeks are flushed, her arms clinging to me for support.

I glance around. I'd nearly forgotten where we are. "Perhaps we should go somewhere more private?"

She grins, her eyes twinkling with mischief. "What, you don't think the other patients are enjoying the show?"

"On the contrary," I say, returning her smile. "I believe some of them are enjoying it too much."

She laughs. "Come on," she says and pulls me towards the elevator.

"Where are we going?" I ask.

She presses the button to the docks and the doors close. Her arms are suddenly around my neck, and her face is tantalizingly close to mine. "The Normandy doesn't have to leave port until tonight," she breathes. "It'll be just like old times."

As wonderful as the prospect sounds, I'm worried that she may expect more from me than I can handle. "I shall try to keep up."

Something in my voice must have betrayed my reservations. Siha strokes the back of my head and gives me a reassuring smile. "Don't worry. I'll make sure you don't overexert yourself." She pulls me into a tight embrace, and I am enveloped in her familiar scent. She nips at the ridges of my face playfully, and whispers, "I just really want to make up for lost time."


	4. Chapter 4

I run to the bridge of the Normandy. Joker's hands move swiftly over the brightly colored consoles. "I heard Shepard has finally made contact. What's happening?" I ask.

Joker is taking us close to a stray asteroid. "You're asking me? I just make the daring rescues. But it looks like that asteroid is headed straight for the Mass Relay." The Normandy swings gracefully alongside the hurtling rock. "If we don't get out of here soon, it'll be a long trip home."

EDI appears from the projector beside him. "Don't worry, Jeff. If the Mass Relay is destroyed, we'll all be obliterated. …That was a joke. Sort of."

Joker smirks. "We're gonna have to work on your comedic timing, EDI."

As we draw close to the surface, we see Siha running to meet us. "Open the airlock doors," I say to Joker.

I take my breathing mask from a locker and enter the airlock. My ears pop as the room depressurizes. The doors open just before Siha takes a running leap into my arms. Her eyes lock in a brief greeting with mine, but the door closes, and the airlock pressurizes again.

I release her, and she runs to the bridge. "Get us out of here, Joker!"

Joker takes us through the Mass Relay, the asteroid minutes behind us. Siha runs to the CIC galaxy map. The entire Bahak system vanishes. We do not see it ourselves, but we leave utter destruction in our wake.

Siha leans over the railing, devastated. Everyone stares at her in bewilderment, myself included.

"Commander," Yeoman Chambers speaks up finally. "What just happened?"

Shepard straightens, and pulls off her helmet. "Send an encoded message to Admiral Hackett. Let him know I just returned from Aratoht. I'll fill him in on the details with my report." She turns toward the elevator. "I'll be in the med-bay."

"Yes, Commander," Chambers replies.

I follow Siha into the elevator. The doors close, and I place a hand on her arm. "Are you injured?"

She shakes her head. "No, but I was sedated. And there was a Reaper artifact. I just want Dr. Chakwas to check me out, make sure everything is where it should be."

"What happened? You missed the rendezvous two days ago."

"Were you worried?" she asks, with the smallest of smiles.

"More than a little," I tell her. That is a great understatement. I haven't been able to meditate properly since we lost contact with her.

"I'm fine. Really." I can see on her face that it's a lie. How many thousands of lives were lost just now? The crease on her temple, the thinness of her lips. Those lives weigh heavily upon her. Behind the stoic mask of her face, she is in pain.

The elevator stops on the crew deck. "You don't have to come with me," she says. "I'm fine. And I have to write my report to Admiral Hackett anyway."

I hesitate, but understand. Her duty has not yet been completed. I nod. "I will await you in our cabin, then."

"See you in a little while." She exits. The doors close.

Upon reaching the cabin, I set out a towel and a fresh set of her clothing. I call down to Mess Sergeant Gardner to send up some food for her once she has left the med-bay. I turn on the sound system and sit with a book she found for me, some writings on Tiantai Buddhist philosophy.

I have been waiting a little over 2 hours when I hear the cabin doors open. We say nothing to each other as she enters; instead she undresses and goes to the shower. As she bathes, the food arrives. Siha looks more relaxed when she emerges, the pleasant scent of vanilla soap wafting into the cabin. She steps down into the living area and smiles at the warm meal awaiting her. "Careful," she says. "A girl could get used to this."

I gesture for her to sit. "It seems you've had a difficult few days."

She sighs and joins me on the couch. "You could definitely say that," she agrees, taking a bite of her food.

"Would you like to talk about it?"

She nods. While she eats, she tells me about the previous few days – how it was supposed to be merely a rescue mission as a favor to Admiral Hackett, how she discovered that Dr. Kenson was indoctrinated, how the only way to stop the Arrival of the Reapers was to destroy the Alpha Relay. She pauses, pushing the remaining vegetables around her plate thoughtfully. "Three hundred thousand batarians, Thane. That's a hell of a lot of people."

I nod solemnly. "Yes. However, you shouldn't feel guilty. Their deaths were not your fault."

"Weren't they? I sacrificed their lives in the hope that billions of others might be saved," she says, setting down her fork and sitting back. "I know I made the right call. But I don't think I'll be getting a lot of sleep tonight."

I pull her into my arms, resting her head on my shoulder. "I will stay up with you, if you'd like."

"That's sweet, but you don't have to." There is silence between us. Her breath is soft against my collarbone. The quiet of hesitation is heavy in the air.

"What is it?" I ask her.

"There's more," she says after a moment. "To avoid war with the batarians, I'll have to be put on trial. When the Alliance asks for me, I'll be turning myself in." She draws away from me to look me in the eyes. Sadness is etched on her face. "They'll put me under surveillance. It's… it's likely I'll be detained for months."

"Months?" I repeat.

She nods.

"I… I see." I need not say more. Both of us know what such a separation might mean.

I take her back into my arms, absorbing the information she's just given me. It is some time before I speak again. "How long before they call for you?"

"We have a little while. A few weeks, maybe."

I kiss her forehead. "We shall have to make the most of it, then."

There's a pause, and suddenly she is pulling me toward the bed.

"Siha?" I say in askance.

She turns to me and smiles. I can see that the smile is forced; it does not reach her eyes. "I changed my mind," she says.

"Oh?"

She puts her arms around my neck and draws me into a lingering kiss. "If I'm going to be awake, I want to spend that time with you."

ooo

I wake, and for a moment, I am confused about where I am. The familiar smell of vanilla and gun oil fills me, and I wonder at first whether I am still inside the dream. But I look down at the stirring woman in my arms, and she is different. "You cut your hair," I say.

Siha reaches up and fingers the fringe of copper framing her face. It is a self-conscious motion, a hint of insecurity. "Yeah. It was getting too long. Do you like it?"

I nod. "It suits you." I do not say so, but the new style makes her look somewhat younger. This is not a bad thing, but it contrasts heavily with how much older her eyes appear.

"Flatterer," she teases. She has said before that an understatement from me is akin to a grand compliment from others.

I stroke her freckled arms and smile. "You are beautiful, Siha," I amend. "More so than I remember."

"You remember things perfectly," she says with a laugh. "That's not possible."

"Apparently, it is," I insist, a light chuckle escaping from me. The laughter dissolves into coughing, however, and it takes several moments before I can regain my composure.

She looks at me with concern, her smile completely gone from her face. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," I assure her. "This isn't near the worst of it."

She does not appear convinced, and tightens her grip on me, as if to protect me from some invisible enemy. "Thane? Can I ask you something?"

"Anything."

"Why are you at Huerta Memorial? I thought you didn't want to die in a hospital." Her voice is quiet, almost a whisper.

"I don't."

"What's different, then?"

"I also want to live, Siha, for as long as possible," I say into her hair. "For you. For Kolyat. For myself, so that I might have more memories of those I love before I pass across the sea. If that means I must spend my final weeks in a hospital… so be it. It's a worthy sacrifice."

She gives me a smile, sad and joyous all at once. "Thank you. That means a lot to me."

For a time, we are content to lie together in silence, our naked skin drinking in each other's touch. It is with much reluctance that Shepard finally props herself up to look at the clock. "Wow, we've been here longer than I thought."

I glance at the clock as well. It is well into the afternoon now – it has been nearly 3 hours since leaving the hospital. "I have kept you too long. I'm sorry."

Siha shakes her head. "Don't be silly. This is my free time. And I want to spend it with you."

"Were there not things you needed to do?" I ask. "You were going to visit your friend."

"There's time for that later," she says. She settles back onto the bed and nestles herself against me. "I want more of this before we have to go."

It's petty, and I should feel ashamed. But as I hold my siha in my arms – her hair tickling my face, our legs intertwined – I feel triumphant, knowing she would rather be with me than with anyone else.


	5. Chapter 5

Weeks pass before I see Shepard again. We call each other often using the video comm and, when that isn't possible, we exchange messages over the extranet. She tells me about her current mission – she is attempting to broker an alliance between the turians and the krogan by curing the genophage. The task seems impossible. Yet I have every confidence that Siha can accomplish it. After all, the impossible is what she does best.

It has been a difficult few days. My illness, though not at its worst, has left me confined to my hospital room. I have not had a call from Siha in several days due to her being away from the Normandy for long stretches. The message I receive from her today, however, lifts my spirits:

_Thane,_

_Just checking in – I'm doing well. I'm sorry that I haven't been reachable by video comm. There's been some fighting, but nothing too difficult so far. Of course, now that I've said that, I'm sure I've jinxed it. Oh well. I miss having you by my side. Garrus is a great sniper and all – maybe as good as you – but he's not as nice to look at._

_We should be back at the Citadel tomorrow for some R &R. Sure could use it too. I really need a break from all the politics. Can't wait to see you. All joking aside, I really do miss you. I keep expecting to find you meditating down in Life Support, or reading in our cabin. It feels weird that you're not here with me._

_I hope you're feeling a little better today. Say hello to Kolyat for me if you see him._

_Love,_

_Shepard_

With every new message from her, I feel an overwhelming sense of relief, and this is no different. The only thing worse than knowing my death is imminent is the very real possibility that Shepard's life may still be shorter than my own.

I am so absorbed in her letter that I initially do not hear the knock at my door. The knock comes again, and I set aside the datapad. "Enter," I call.

I am expecting my son, or perhaps a nurse. This is not who enters.

Major Alenko strides in. He appears uncomfortable, but purposeful. "Hey," he greets me.

"Major," I reply, coughing. "Is there something I can help you with?"

"I…" he begins, hesitant. "No, I just… So you're him, huh? You're Thane?"

It takes a moment for me to register his meaning. "Ah," I say, sitting up in the bed. "I take it Shepard has mentioned me."

"Last time she was here, yeah. I wanted to talk to you, but they haven't let me out of bed until recently." Alenko looks me over in appraisal. "When we talked before, the doctor called you a different name. Tannor, was it?"

I nod. "A pseudonym. It is often necessary in my line of work. It would be imprudent to advertise to my enemies that I am ill."

"Right. Your 'line of work'." His voice is disapproving. "Assassinating."

There's a pause. I frown. He continues to watch me, as if weighing me in his mind. "Was there something… specific you wished to discuss?"

"I take it she told you about us?"

"She did."

Alenko crosses his arms. "And that doesn't bother you? That we have… history?"

"No," I reply. My brow furrows in confusion. "Does it upset you that I am not bothered? I was married once, years ago. I have a son. None of that bothers her. Siha has her past, as I have mine."

"Siha?" he repeats.

I feel a moment of embarrassment at my slip of the tongue. I had not meant to call her that in front of him. "A term of endearment," I explain.

"I see."

The ensuing silence is brief, but awkward and heavy. Alenko sighs. "I guess I just wanted to know what kind of man you are. Maybe then I could figure out why she chose you over me."

"What kind of man I am can't be ascertained in one conversation," I say. The flow of my words is broken by a fresh bout of coughing, and it is several moments before I can continue. "Perhaps you see me as an assassin who allied himself with Cerberus. Or the man who stole Shepard from you. Or merely a patient in a hospital. I am all of those things, yes. But that is not all that I am."

He nods, as if expecting no other answer. "And the other thing?"

"As for why she chose me… I have no answer. You will have to ask her." A faint smile crosses my lips. "Though I will not pretend to be anything less than overjoyed that she has done so."

Alenko smirks, though not unkindly. "This is you overjoyed?"

I smile again, a bit ruefully this time. "You can't tell?"

He chuckles and finally sits in one of the chairs beside the bed. His gaze is still tense, still appraising, but he seems more at ease.

The coughing overtakes me again, and it is bad enough that I need to take a few breaths from the oxygen mask.

When I look up, Alenko's eyes have softened in concern. "Are you okay? Maybe I should leave."

I shake my head. "Not unless you wish to. I'm better for the moment, and I am not ashamed of my condition."

"Your disease… Kepral's Syndrome, right?" he begins. "I looked it up. It's fatal?"

I nod. "It's close to the final stages now. I don't have long. Weeks, perhaps."

"I'm sorry."

"Thank you."

He frowns. "And Shepard… She's okay with it?"

My heart constricts, as if strings tighten around it. "No," I tell him after a long pause. "But I believe she has accepted it."

Suddenly, a memory surges forth, unbidden. Distantly, I hear my voice speak as I relive it in a flash. "Blazing yellow sun beats down upon crimson sand and arching rock. Her hat whips off her head and tumbles in the wind. Sorrow-tinged laughter ripples the air. My hand touches hers and we embrace. Arms tighten. She trembles. 'I may not remember everything, Thane, but I'll never forget this.'"


	6. Chapter 6

The Normandy rides the slipstream of the relay, emerging with a slight jolt in the Sol system. The ship is being run by a skeleton crew now; alien members and those not willing to turn themselves in to the Alliance have departed the Normandy at the Citadel. I remained onboard, wishing to extend my time with Shepard for as long as possible.

I find myself in the Starboard Observation lounge as the ship pulls into orbit around Earth and deftly navigates the thousands of satellites just beyond the atmosphere. I have visited Earth only once in my travels and had been so focused on my work then. I stare out the window now at the blue marble of a planet and lament that I did not appreciate its beauty during my previous visit.

The doors open behind me and I turn. Siha enters and smiles. "I was looking for you in Life Support," she says. "I'm surprised to find you here."

I return her smile. "The air in Life Support is favorable, but it lacks a view."

She steps forward to stand beside me and takes my hand in hers as we turn to gaze at the planet. "Much nicer than staring at the drive core all day."

"Indeed."

"Would you like a closer look?"

I look at her curiously. "What did you have in mind?"

"The crew's doing some final systems diagnostics or packing up their things. I don't have to be here for the diagnostics, and I was told to pack light for my… stay at Alliance HQ." She gives me a coy grin. "It won't be the weekend getaway I hoped for –we'll have just a few hours – but… how would you like to take that vacation we talked about?"

I squeeze her hand. "I'd like that very much."

"Good," she says, her grin widening, and suddenly she is pulling me out the door towards the elevator. "Because we're leaving now."

We arrive at the shuttle bay, and I find that one of the Kodiaks is already prepared for departure. Siha ushers me inside and shuts the door behind us. I take a seat as she programs coordinates into the auto-pilot. Beside my feet are a wicker basket, a blanket, and a small pile of clothes.

I chuckle softly upon seeing them. Small coughs escape with my laughter. "You have been busy."

"You wouldn't believe how hard it was to find a picnic basket," she says without turning around. "They're not exactly standard issue Cerberus gear. I got it on the Citadel, from an elcor ambassador of all people." With the coordinates set, she turns and picks up the small pile of clothes. She hands me a linen shirt and cotton slacks. "Here, you should put these on. We're not really going to a black leather type of place."

She begins to strip out of her uniform, and I obediently change into the loose clothing. As my head emerges from the shirt, I see Shepard step into a simple sundress that falls about her knees. It is an emerald green color, providing contrast and movement to her auburn hair.

A slow blush touches her cheeks when she notices me watching her. "I feel a little silly," she says. "I almost never wear clothes like this, but I thought I'd go all out."

"You are stunning," I tell her, and it is true.

"You're not looking too bad yourself," she says, looking me over. "It's almost like we're normal people."

Something in her tone gives me pause. "Do you wish we were normal, Siha?"

"Maybe sometimes," she admits. "It's nice to dream about."

"In the next lifetime, perhaps," I say.

She nods, but says nothing.

The shuttle lands with a small jolt, and Shepard strides to the door with a flourish. "Ready?"

I nod. "Where are we vacationing today?"

She grins and opens the doors. "A desert."

I give her a wondering look before stepping outside.

A blazing yellow sun beats down upon crimson sand and arching rock. Small brownish green plants with spiny leaves dot the wide expanse of earth and sky before me. An arid breeze circles me, and for the first time in months, I breathe easily. I close my eyes for a moment and take deep, lingering breaths, feeling as though all breaths before this had been through a thick cloth.

"It's maybe not what you were expecting," I hear Siha's voice say from behind me in a somewhat apologetic tone. "Not the yellow sand dunes of the Sahara. But this is closer to Vancouver."

"Where are we?" I ask, opening my eyes.

"Utah."

"It's incredible." I turn and smile at her. She emerges from the shuttle doorway, having donned a wide-brimmed straw hat and sandals.

She sees my gaze rest upon the hat and tips it with a smirk. "I burn easily. With freckles. It's not pretty."

"The hat is charming," I tell her and offer her my arm. "Shall we?"

She links her arm around mine. "Let's."

We wander. Siha shows me thick plants she calls cacti, with waxy skin and needles for leaves. She points to shrubs that are impossibly green in this heat and bloom with the tiniest of yellow flowers. The dry wind blows sand and dirt around our feet as we stare in wonder at rock formations that seem to defy gravity, the red rock carved with the exacting precision of a scalpel or paintbrush. We rest in the shade of one formation that curls above us like a wave, and enjoy the picnic Siha has prepared for us. And as we once again roam the vast expanse of the desert, we talk. We speak of dreams and fears, days long past and ones we may never see. I tell her about bringing Kolyat to watch the hanar dance in the oceans of Kahje during the Enkindler gratitude festivals. She laughs about the first time she held a gun, trying to impress a boy, but embarrassing him instead. We talk about nothing, and everything, until the sky reminds me of Irikah's eyes, and we make our way back to the shuttle.

She tosses me a bottle of water and drinks deeply from her own. I watch her for a moment, savoring her image, the green dress clinging to her skin that glistens with a thin sheen of perspiration.

Suddenly, her hat whips off her head and tumbles in the wind. Siha gives a surprised gasp before giving chase. I follow.

The hat catches the air like a sail, moving just beyond her grasp every time she reaches out to catch it. Her erratic motions as she darts one way then the next remind me of her dancing, and I laugh. For the first time in months, the laughter does not bring coughing with it. I allow myself to laugh harder, because I can. Siha joins me, and soon I can hear nothing but our mirth.

Amonkira must have a sense of humor as well, for Siha's steps falter as her sandals tangle about her toes. Her prey is whisked far from us while she falls. I rush to her side, catching her around her middle before we land in a heap on the desert floor.

She beams at me, but I feel that something is wrong. Sorrow-tinged laughter ripples the air. "What is the matter?" I ask her, searching her eyes.

She pulls away from me and stands. "Nothing." She offers me a hand and helps me to my feet.

"Siha…"

She sighs. "Just thinking selfish thoughts." She stares at the shuttle for a moment before she speaks again. "I don't want this day to end."

"Neither do I," I admit. It has been many years since I have been this happy. "But all days must end. Even good ones."

She nods and we walk together back to the shuttle. "Would you think less of me if I threw a tantrum?"

I give her a small smile. "Not if you allow me to join you."

She chuckles. "Now _that_ I'd like to see."

When we reach the shuttle, Shepard brings up her omni-tool. "One last thing before we head out." She inputs some commands, and a small camera flies towards us. "Take a picture with me?"

I nod. "Of course, Siha."

She comes to stand beside me, sweeping arches and orange sky creating a backdrop for our photograph. "Smile," she tells me as she puts her arms around me, and I do. We hear a click as the shutter closes. "One more," she says, and the shutter closes again.

Siha goes to the camera and nods with satisfaction as she looks over the pictures. "Perfect. Now I'll have something to help me remember." When she looks up at me, I can see the sadness etched on her face behind her smile. "Something that will never fade."

I step towards her. My hand touches hers and we embrace.

"I think I might have that tantrum now," she whispers.

I caress her back lightly in long strokes. "You may proceed, if you wish."

She gives a mirthless bark of a laugh. "It's just…" She trails off, sighing. I feel her breath on my neck. She begins again. "I was thinking, it seems unfair that I'm the one who will live on, but you're the one with the perfect memory."

I press my lips against her hair. "Perhaps it is better that way," I say. "I would not wish the pain of my passing to stay fresh in your mind forever."

"I'd take the pain, if it meant all the other things would stay."

My arms tighten around her, and she squeezes me harder in return. She trembles. "I know there's nothing I can do now about you dying. As usual, there's not enough time. Maybe there's nothing I can ever do about it." She pulls away, just enough to look at me. Her storm-colored eyes are piercing, fierce. "I want you to know. I may not remember everything, Thane, but I'll never forget this. This day, this moment. As much as it may fade, it will never be forgotten."

I hold her to me again, clutching at her like a child. I don't want to leave her. We do not speak of it, but we both know we might never see each other again. The thought is unbearable. "I… I wish for more time," I breathe.

"Me too. But this is all we've got."

We hold each other until the sunlight begins to fade. At last, we part, and in the twilight, I see a ghost of a smile grace her lips. "Today was a good day."

"Indeed," I agree. "Thank you, Siha, for this memory." And I kiss her deeply.


	7. Chapter 7

I blink.

Alenko stares at me, looking befuddled and uncomfortable. "What… what was that?"

"A memory," I reply. I am embarrassed by my outburst – I normally have better control over my solipsism. But beyond that, I find I am irritated. Though the fault was mine, I am inexplicably angry at Alenko for intruding upon a private moment.

"A memory?" he repeats.

"Drell are able to relive moments from their lives simply by recalling them," I explain.

He frowns. "And this was something from your past with Shepard?"

"Yes."

A strange expression comes over Alenko's face, as if conflicted between emotions. Suspicion and confusion war on his countenance. "Are you messing with me or something? Because honestly? It's hard to tell."

I take a slow breath to calm myself before answering. It feels heavy in my lungs. "I apologize. It was a… potent memory. I did not mean for it to slip out."

Alenko nods, seeming to accept my reply. It is several seconds before he speaks again. "Shepard wore a hat?" A small, amused smile creeps across his face.

I feel the corners of my mouth turn upward despite myself. "And a dress."

"A dress, huh?" he says, chuckling. "I'd have liked to see that." He starts, becoming visibly flustered. "I mean… because it's not something she usually wears – she's always in armor, you know – not because… well, not that I wouldn't, but…"

"I understood, Major," I interrupt, saving him from further embarrassment.

He exhales sharply. "Right, okay." He shifts in his chair. "I should go. They're releasing me tomorrow, and the Doc said something about doing some final checks on my implant." He stands and turns towards the door.

"Major Alenko."

He stops in the doorway and looks back at me. "Yeah?"

I hesitate a moment before continuing. "I am no longer able to protect Shepard as I'd like. Further, my time is short."

Alenko nods, and waits for me to finish.

"She has a monumental task before her." I look him in the eye. "Guard her back, so she may keep her eyes forward."

He nods again, his eyes resolute. "I will," he says, and departs.

ooo

When I wake the next morning, I am instantly aware of another presence in the room. At first, I am alarmed – more so at having slept through the entrance of an intruder than by the intruder herself. As an assassin, one is taught to sleep lightly, for enemies strike when one is most at ease. I worry that my months in the hospital have made me complacent. Yet, I relax at the familiarity of the visitor's presence, even without opening my eyes. The careful shift of her body in the chair, the steady rhythm of her breath in the silence.

"Siha," I murmur, my voice cloudy from slumber. I open my eyes. She sits beside me, the room still dim in the early morning light.

"Thane," she says, looking up from the datapad she was reading. "I'm sorry, did I wake you?"

I shake my head. I open my mouth to speak, but a few rasping coughs come up instead. I try again. "You're here sooner than I expected."

She smiles. "Yeah, we got into port a couple hours ago, and I couldn't sleep. My internal clock is a little screwed up. I've been on three different planets in the last two days clearing out Cerberus outposts while Mordin works on the genophage cure." She places her hand over mine. It is warm and lightly callused, toughened by years of handling weaponry. "How are you feeling?"

"Better than yesterday," I tell her. I smile. "Infinitely so, now that you are here."

Her smile widens. "Look at you. Awake less than five minutes and already sweet talking."

"You have been gone a while," I reply. "I must stay in practice."

"Uh-huh," she murmurs, humoring me. There is a small bag sitting by her feet. She picks it up. "Brought you something."

I adjust the incline of the bed so that I am able to sit upright comfortably. She hands me the bag and I look inside. I smile. "Tea."

"It's green tea with Thessian mint and lemon," she says, looking pleased. "Your favorite, right?"

I nod. "It is."

"I know how particular you are, so I even brought you an infuser," she says, pointing to the mesh cup at the bottom of the bag.

I am touched by her thoughtfulness. "Thank you, Siha. This is most considerate." Another fit of coughing overtakes me.

Her eyes are concerned, and she shifts in her chair uncomfortably. Something troubles her. "So, I… I asked Mordin to look at your file, and at the hanar research on Kepral's Syndrome."

My brow rises. "Oh?"

She nods. "He said he'd look into it in his free time." She gives a faint chuckle. "He considers it a break from his genophage work."

"Thank you," I say, frowning, "but you should not get your hopes too high." I squeeze her hand. "The doctors say I am deteriorating quickly. Doctor Solus may not have enough time to work with."

"I know," she replies softly. "Mordin said as much too. 'A long shot', he called it. But… I had to try. Something, anything. You know me. When someone says something can't be done, it just makes me try harder to prove them wrong."

"You are a stubborn individual," I tell her fondly.

"That I am." She manages a small smile.

We talk for a time. The room lightens as the Citadel fills with morning light. Siha tells me about the krogan female they rescued from Sur'Kesh. Having never met a krogan woman before, I was intrigued by Siha's descriptions of her quiet dignity and understated strength. "You are not so different," I say. "Her people have placed great responsibility on her shoulders. They trust her with their hopes and futures. It's the same with you."

Shepard nods. "She said something similar, yeah."

The door opens. My son walks in, preoccupied with a datapad he carries with him. "Father," he says without looking up. "I have a free day, so if you're-" He looks up, startled by Shepard's presence. "Commander Shepard," he greets, recovering quickly. "Father mentioned you were no longer incarcerated. I don't know if you remember me…"

Siha stands and smiles warmly. "Kolyat. Of course I remember you. How are you?"

Kolyat returns her smile. "Quite well, thanks in part to you."

She shakes her head. "Whatever I did was months ago. Your successes since then are all yours. Your dad said you work for C-Sec now. You should be proud."

The blue in my son's cheeks deepens; he is blushing. "It's just a desk job, really."

"He is being modest," I interject. "He liaises with the Citadel orphans, keeping them out of trouble and finding them safe places to stay. In return, they provide him with information."

"That sounds like important work," Siha says.

Kolyat nods. "I've found it to be very rewarding."

My chest constricts. The sound of coughing fills the room. "Kolyat," I say as I recover. "You were saying something when you came in?"

He nods again and holds up the datapad in his hand. "I read that the hanar embassy is hosting a small ceremony on the Presidium. They will induct the few drell children living on the station into the Compact. I have a free day today. If you are feeling well enough, perhaps you'd like to go?" He pauses, glancing at Siha. "Commander Shepard, you're welcome to come too, if you're interested." Yet again, he hesitates. "Oh… unless you two had plans already. I don't want to intrude."

"Don't be silly," Shepard says. "I'd love to go."

After days confined to my hospital room, I am eager to leave as well. The nurses provide me with medicine, and a portable oxygen tank and mask in case I need them. Kolyat leaves as Siha helps me dress.

"My first family outing," she muses. Her voice is touched by lilting delight. "I've never been on one before."

I smile. "It is my first in a long time as well."

We join Kolyat in the Patient's Lounge and take the elevator to the Presidium. The gardens bustle with desperate activity, even at this early hour. People of all races speak too loudly, or too softly, with darting eyes and fidgeting fingers. They are the voices and motions of the frightened, too afraid even to acknowledge their fear. We stroll between them, our pace set by the rise and fall of my already overtaxed lungs. There are so many smiles; some genuine, some forced. They cling to the joy that might soon be gone. I look to Siha and Kolyat, conversing amiably about his work. My lips thin to a line. Perhaps I cling to my joy as well.

There is a small crowd of hanar gathered by the edge of one of the lakes. Paper decorations resembling fish and seaweed and coral hang from a canopy erected over a small dais. Three small drell children stand under the canopy, shifting from one foot to the other in nervous anticipation. Two hanar stand next to them, speaking together in dim patterns of light.

Siha sees me watch them. "Do you know what they're saying?"

I nod. "Most of it. It is difficult to see it all from here. The hanar on the left is lamenting that they could not hold the ceremony in the lake. The other is explaining that the lake is too shallow for the traditional dances anyway."

"Somehow I imagined hanar speech would look brighter."

"Normally, it would. They are whispering."

Kolyat points to the lines of chairs arranged by the dais. "I think we can watch the ceremony from there."

We take seats at the rear of the gathering as the ceremony begins. The children are dressed in colorful costumes, ready to perform a play re-enacting the salvation of the drell by the hanar. I smile. A brief flash of Kolyat's ceremony many years ago flits across my memory. He wore yellow, his blue face nearly as green as mine with nervousness. I turn my gaze towards him. He is smiling as well, and I wonder if he recalls his ceremony with as much fondness as I do.

"Oh, look!" Siha exclaims in a whisper. A few hanar children glide onto the stage, acting as the saviors of the drell. "I've never seen a hanar child before. Do they usually participate in this ceremony?"

I shake my head. "On Kahje, there are many more drell children taking their oaths into the Compact. The hanar are played by costumed drell, so each child has a part."

The children play their roles with exuberance and melodrama, the drell bickering amongst themselves over food and water until the hanar arrive. Small voices fill the air, shouting their gratitude to the hanar who saved them. Siha sits in rapt attention, her arm linked around mine, her head resting comfortably on my shoulder. She does not mind the small string of coughs that ripple up my chest, but instead smiles and laughs as she watches the children finish their play and begin to dance. And for the first time in weeks, I feel as if I am not sick at all. I seem to forget – for a moment – that there is anything else, besides me and my family and the sound of tiny dancing feet.

Naturally, this is the time Kalahira chooses to remind me: she has claimed me as hers.

My chest constricts. I attempt to stifle the coughing, the gasps for breath, but my efforts only serve to aggravate it. Shepard and Kolyat look at me, eyes full of concern, while the other people gathered here stare in alarm and judgment. The other drell know what I suffer from. They know what lies ahead for me, as it may be in their futures as well. There is sympathy in their gazes, but today is meant to be joyous occasion. They do not wish to be reminded of it today. I should not have come.

I stagger to my feet, already unsteady and lightheaded. Siha and Kolyat rise as well. My son stares daggers at the onlookers while supporting me with one arm. Siha pays no mind to the others. Instead, she ushers me gently away from the gathering to a quiet spot in the grass under the shade of a tree.

She presses the oxygen mask into my hand. My hands shake as I slip it over my head and onto my face. I breathe in as deeply as possible. It is not enough. Kolyat hovers over me with his hand on my shoulder as Siha fills a syringe with medicine.

"Kolyat," she says, her voice calm. She injects the medicine into my arm. "Could you get us some water, please?"

My son looks at her, frowning, then back at me. Finally, he nods. "I will be back shortly."

I watch him leave. "Perhaps… I should not… have come," I say between gasping breaths.

I feel Siha's hand on my face as she turns my head to face her. "And miss this beautiful day?"

I shake my head. "I… disrupted… the ceremony."

Her grey eyes are gentle and full of affection. "That's not your fault," she says, stroking the ridges on the side of my face. "You have nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone deserves to go out and live a little, even you. Especially you. You shouldn't be cooped up in the hospital all the time. And if people have a problem with that, to hell with them."

I do not reply at once. I cannot. Frustration at myself, at my situation, boils in my gut. "I wish to… I do not want to be there, Siha," I tell her through gasps and gritted teeth. "But my… my body is not under my control… After all my training…" My hands clench in the grass. "Years of work… I neglected my family… All for nothing… My body is… no longer my own."

"Hey, listen to me." Her voice suddenly sounds as if it is made of steel. "I know you're angry. But you can handle this. There are some things you can't control. And that's okay. You don't have to. You're not alone anymore. Kolyat and I are with you. So let go. We've got this."

I take her in for a moment. The gentleness of her eyes has subsided, replaced by that familiar storm. "…I love you," I tell her. I can think of nothing else to say. I pray it conveys all of my gratitude, the depth of my emotion for her.

She appears satisfied and takes both my hands in hers. "Come on, I'll help you meditate for a while. Maybe it'll help your breathing?"

I nod. "Yes… perhaps."

"Close your eyes," she intones, her voice slow and calming. I comply. "Clear your mind of all thoughts. Breathe in… and out…"

I listen to the rhythm and cadence of her voice. I concentrate on my struggling breaths. Her words wash over me. I am lost in them.


	8. Chapter 8

"What do you mean, 'it's too late'?"

Kolyat stands abruptly, towering over the salarian doctor. I put a hand on my son's arm in an attempt to calm him. He glances down at me, his face still full of anger. And fear.

It has been a month since I said my goodbyes to Shepard in the Utah desert. I have spent the intervening time with my son. He grudgingly agreed to become reacquainted, and in the few weeks since then, we have shared many awkward meals together. He has also insisted on accompanying me to my doctor's appointments.

"Please continue, Doctor," I say.

Doctor Senghe frowns at Kolyat and clears his throat. "Yes, as I was saying. You are still a viable candidate for a lung transplant, Mr. Nuara. But as you know, your condition is rapidly declining. Healthy drell lungs are difficult to come by, even on Kahje. The likelihood of getting a donor out here in the time you have is… slim. You have months at most. If you had signed up for the transplant a year ago… perhaps even six months ago… you might have had a chance, but…"

"But I did not," I finish. Rejecting the transplant seems foolish now. But I was a different person then. I did not have Kolyat. I had not met my Siha.

"Does it have to be drell lungs?" Kolyat asks. "Couldn't you use some from another humanoid species?"

The doctor shakes his head. "It's possible to do the surgery, certainly. But the chance of rejecting the organs is very high. Then there's also the likelihood of foreign infection – bacteria that is beneficial to one species can be lethal to another. Too dangerous. And painful. You'd almost be better off dying from Kepral's." He looks at the devastated expression on my son's face. He sighs. "I'm sorry for being so blunt. But all we can do is hope for a miracle at this point. I'll send a message to my contacts on Kahje. See if they... I don't know…"

"Have extra?" Kolyat supplies in a bitter tone.

Doctor Senghe nods. "Something like that. Though, your situation is serious enough that I've bumped you up to the top of the list. In the unlikely event we do get a set of healthy lungs, they'll almost certainly go to you." He pauses. "I'm really very sorry."

I shake my head. "No, Doctor, it's fine. I expected such a response."

The salarian's eyes flit from me to Kolyat before he excuses himself from the room.

I stand and begin getting dressed. My son's gaze follows me around the room.

"What's on your mind?" I ask finally.

He crosses his arms. "So that's it, then? You're just giving up?"

I frown. "What gave you that impression?"

"How can you be so calm?" he shouts. "That doctor just told you that there's no hope left! You're going to die!"

"There is always hope, Kolyat," I tell him. "Even in the grimmest of circumstances."

He looks away from me, saying nothing. Instead, he stands by the window and stares out at the Presidium lakes.

I hesitate before approaching him. As is often the case of late, I do not know how to act around him. When I left him years ago, he was still a child. I find myself unprepared for the adult who now stands before me. A fit of coughing overtakes me, filling the silence for me. Kolyat turns, alarmed.

I wave him off and clear my throat. "I am fine. There will be more of this to come yet."

He sighs. "That's what I'm afraid of."

The sadness in his eyes, the desperation in his tone… they eat away at me. I have been reluctant to make a certain decision for some time. I see him like this now, and the choice is made. "Come," I say, opening the door. "We have preparations to make."

We leave the examination room. I walk with purpose through the corridors of the hospital. My son quickens his step to keep up.

"Preparations?" he repeats.

I nod. "I will not need much for my stay here. However, there are affairs that need to be in order for me to concentrate fully on my treatment."

"Wait." Kolyat stops me with a hand on my arm. "You're checking in?"

"Yes."

A myriad of emotions play on his countenance. "But you hate hospitals."

This is true. Flashes of faces underneath oxygen masks flicker through my thoughts. My father, my sister, both of Irikah's parents… Too many loved ones have been lost to Kepral's Syndrome. Hospitals, for me, represent the worst kind of death. "I know."

His eyes search my face. "Then why?"

I frown. "I thought this is what you wanted."

"It is!" His face contorts in his confliction. "But… If you're going to die, I don't want you to suffer in the time you have left. If you're just going to be here and hate every moment of it… That's not what I want."

I feel the sudden urge to embrace him, but I hesitate. Too many years have come and gone, and now I do not know how to hold my child. Instead, I place a hand on his shoulder and give a light squeeze. For now, perhaps, that is a start. "I shall endeavor to hate it less."

"Father…"

I sigh and beckon him to continue walking with me. "Time is short. Whether I have months or years to live yet, it is not enough. It will never be. I have squandered time that was meant to be spent with you, Kolyat. I can never repay that debt. Yet, I may be able to regain some of what was lost. Let me try."

Kolyat's hand on my arm stops me again, but before I can say anything further, he pulls me towards him. He catches me in a brief but firm embrace. "Thank you."

I am unable to respond. I can only nod in reply as he pulls away and continues down the corridor. I am making the right decision.

The trip back to Kolyat's apartment is mostly silent, but comfortable. I have been staying with him for the past week while I searched for my own quarters. I would not have imposed on him had he not insisted. In truth, I think he likes having me close by. It pleases me to think so.

Kolyat turns on the Galactic News Network as I begin to gather my belongings. There is not much to collect. A few sets of clothing. Philosophy books collected from my travels. The prayer book my mother gave me upon becoming an adult. A favorite tea cup taken from the Normandy. The noise helps to distract me from my thoughts, but as I approach the end of my preparations, the louder my anxiety becomes.

Images of masked, gasping faces bombard my thoughts. The hiss of phantom machines fill my ears. The stale stench of bodies that lingers still within disinfected walls. Clammy hands beneath my own as the life drains from them. I feel as if I cannot breathe, and know that it is not my illness that takes the air from me this time. I am afraid of dying, it's true. But that place… I think I may fear it more.

"I know you're scared, but you're not alone."

My shaking hands steady at the unexpectedness of this familiar voice. It envelops me like a soft blanket, easing my troubled mind. I open my eyes, and follow the sound of her voice to the living area, where Kolyat still watches the news broadcast.

I feel his eyes upon me, but my focus is not on him. A face I have not seen in over a month has appeared on the screen. "Siha…" I sigh.

Shepard wears her formal uniform, stepping out of a courtroom as reporters fire questions at her. Her hair has grown longer in the weeks since I've seen her, but perhaps only such that I would notice. Her steely eyes are drawn and tired, yet still piercing in her passion and determination.

"None of us knows what happens next, and that's terrifying," she continues. Her voice resonates above the chatter of reporters. All stop to listen. "But we each have a duty to protect the people we care about. We can't afford to hesitate now. We've run out of time. We have to face our fear, and meet what's coming. Do what you can to prepare, because we have to get our heads out of the sand and be ready to fight for our lives. And, damn it, we _will_ survive this. If not for ourselves, then for the sake of our loved ones."

The question was about the Reapers; I know these words were not directed at me. Siha does not even know I hear them. Even still, she has calmed my fear in a way that only she could. I watch as she is escorted away by a stocky soldier. I turn to my son.

"Father? Is everything all right?"

"Yes, Kolyat," I say with a nod. My back is straight, my jaw set. It may be a battle I cannot win. But I will fight it nonetheless. For him. For her. "I am ready."


	9. Chapter 9

I open my eyes. Though only moments have passed, I already find it is easier for me to breathe. Siha is watching me, as she often does when I meditate. Our eyes meet. She smiles.

"Better?" she asks.

"Much," I reply.

"Good." She gives my hands a light squeeze before letting go. "Here comes Kolyat."

I spot my son's blue face in a nearby crowd of people. Shepard waves to him. When he arrives, he bears three bottles of water and appears irritated.

"Here," he says, offering me one of the bottles. "I'm sorry it took so long."

I remove my oxygen mask and take long sips of the water before speaking. "What happened?"

"The vendor was giving me a hard time," he grumbles through gritted teeth. "I was there when C-Sec confiscated unlicensed weaponry from him yesterday. Just some pistols. We didn't even arrest him!" His expression softens as he looks down at me. "How are you feeling?"

"A bit lightheaded," I tell him. "But better."

Kolyat nods. He still appears worried. "Maybe we should go back to the hospital."

I shake my head. "No, there is no need. I have rested. I will be fine."

"Father…"

"Let us not waste your free day by remaining indoors," I say, heading him off. "I'm well enough to continue."

Siha puts a hand on my son's shoulder. "It'll be okay, Kolyat. If there's any more trouble, we'll head right back."

He hesitates for a moment, then nods. He offers me his hand and pulls me to my feet. "Fine. But you're keeping your mask on for a while."

I feel the edges of my mouth twitch upwards in amusement. Perhaps I should feel embarrassed the way Kolyat dotes upon me. But I cherish his attention. Months ago, he could barely speak to me. I return the mask to my face.

He nods in satisfaction.

We stroll along the Presidium once more. Siha walks alongside me, our arms intertwined, meeting at our linked hands. She resumes conversing with Kolyat, asking more about his work. My son responds with pride and exuberance; I believe he admires her and seeks her approval. I contribute little to the conversation. In truth, now that my days are filled with one treatment after another, I find I often do not have much to speak about. This does not trouble me, however. I could hardly be called gregarious.

Rhythmic music drifts in the air. Intrigued, I guide Shepard and Kolyat towards its source. We leave the main boulevard and go down a small path away from the water. Trees part. A clearing of emerald grass extends before us.

No fewer than ten elcor are arranged in lines, all moving in slow unison. Drums and tambourines are strapped against their sides in such a way that each sway of their bodies produces a beat or rattle. Bracelets of tiny silver bells circle their wrists and ankles. As the elcor weave around each other in steady movements, their steps emit a delicate tinkling sound that almost creates a melody over the pounding rhythm of the drums.

Siha draws close. "Are they…?" she murmurs.

"They are dancing," I whisper in reply.

I watch her for a moment. Her face is alight with wonder. Her eyes dart from one elcor to the next, taking in their intricate movements. Each step, each sway, each tilt of their heads is deliberate. The elcor part, arranging themselves to circle around a couple in the center. The couple – two females, judging by their somewhat leaner frames – are set apart from the others not only by their position, but also by the blue ceremonial garments across their backs. The silk is intricately embroidered in gold thread, depicting linking chains and intertwined flowers. The elcor women brush against each other with intimate affection as they dance, their movements mirrored exactly in the other. The little bells at their wrists give off a thousand chimes that fill the clearing with an otherworldly sound.

The dancing slows. One of the elcor notices us and gives the slightest of nods to the others. He approaches with heavy steps. "With surprise: welcome. We were not expecting visitors."

"Sorry, we didn't mean to intrude," Shepard says. Her voice has taken on a diplomatic tone with which I am well-familiar. "We heard music. It was beautiful."

The elcor stares at her face for a moment before blinking in shock. "Fanboy-ish enthusiasm: are you… Commander Shepard?"

"Yes, I am," Siha replies with a laugh.

"Overwhelmed, it is such a great honor to meet you," the elcor gushes. "My name is Dagon. I have followed your career for many years now. With genuine gratitude, you have given my family hope that we may all survive this war."

Siha smiles, but it barely reaches her eyes. "Just doing my job, Dagon."

Kolyat glances at the two elcor women who still dance in the center of the festivities. "This is a wedding?"

"Joyfully, yes, it is my daughter's wedding," Dagon replies, a small upturn of his lips the only indication of a smile. To another elcor, he must be beaming. "I have never seen her so happy."

We look to the couple again. At this distance, I cannot see if their mouths smile. Yet as they weave in circles, their eyes never leave the other's, their bodies are in constant contact. I know such a feeling. My grip on Siha's hand tightens.

"I must return to my family." Dagon gestures to the gathering. "Sincere hospitality: you are welcome to stay and enjoy the festivities. In obvious hyperbole, elcor parties are the best parties."

Siha grins. "I bet they are. Thank you for letting us stay."

We approach the small party of elcor. Siha and Kolyat make small talk with several of the guests. I still wear my mask, so I speak little. We partake of some of the unfamiliar food, which the caterer insists are safe for humans and drell to eat. There are a number of small picnic tables at the side of the clearing, pushed aside by the elcor to make room for their dancing. We sit, and I lower my mask to eat. Now that we are resting, I feel a wave of fatigue fall upon me. The earlier strain on my lungs has taken much out of me.

"Father, are you okay?" Kolyat asks, leaning over to put a hand on my shoulder. "You don't look well."

"I'm fine," I tell him. "Only tired, Kolyat."

"We'll return to the hospital after this. Perhaps we've been out too long."

I feel the urge to protest, but he is right. I should not push myself too hard.

Siha squeezes my hand, a silent reassurance.

We do not speak for a time, content to eat and watch the festivities. The newlywed couple mingles with their guests now, laughing at the slightest jokes, smiling at everything. The elcor are a subtle people, but there is nothing small or hidden about the emotions these two women feel. Their joy is loud enough to be deafening.

Siha nudges me and grins. "So. Looks like the elcor _can_ dance after all."

I smile, remembering. "Quite well, it would seem. You must inform Joker."

She pulls me closer, laughing. She plants a kiss upon my cheek before replying. "First thing when I get back to the Normandy."

When it comes time to leave, we thank Dagon for his generosity and congratulate the newlywed couple on their marriage. We return to the hospital, my heart lighter upon returning than when we left.

Still, I find myself reluctant to be in my hospital room once again. Good days have difficult endings, especially when the good days have become few and far between. The ending of this day is made even more difficult by the knowledge that tomorrow, Shepard will go back into battle, and I will not be at her side.

Siha and Kolyat help me change my clothes and settle into the bed. My muscles seem to sink into the mattress, fatigued from a full day of walking and mild oxygen deprivation. I am lightheaded and weak. As much as I don't want to be here, it is clear this is where I need to be.

Time. That is all that matters. I must have more time.

I remove my oxygen mask, and Kolyat takes it from me. "I have to get going, Father," he says. "I have to be up early tomorrow for work."

I nod, coughing as my lungs adjust to breathing without the mask. "Thank you for our outing today. It was most enjoyable."

He gives me a brief embrace and a smile. "I'm glad. I had a good time too."

Siha reaches over to shake his hand and clap him on the shoulder. "Good to see you again, Kolyat." She smiles, a small lopsided upturn of her lips. "Sorry for making you a third wheel today."

"No problem," he replies with a chuckle. "I like seeing the two of you happy." He waves then exits the room, the door sliding shut behind him.

Siha sits on the bed beside me. "He's a good kid."

I smile. "The best."

She looks down at me, her storm-colored eyes contemplative. Her hand reaches out to brush against my temple. "Mind if I stay here tonight?"

"Here?" I repeat, startled. "There is little room, Siha. You wouldn't be comfortable."

She shrugs. "I don't need to be comfortable. I'll sleep in that chair if I have to. I just –" She runs a hand through her hair and looks away. "It just seems stupid for me to go back to the Normandy when I'd rather be here with you."

I take her hand in mine. "I would not have you sleep in the chair."

She opens her mouth to protest, but the words die upon her lips as she sees me shift to the far end of the bed.

"You always did like to cuddle," I say.

Siha's face bursts into a wide grin. She pulls off her boots and removes her uniform, leaving her clad in only a tank top and undergarments. "It's funny hearing you say 'cuddle'," she tells me, lifting up the covers and slipping underneath.

"What else would you call it?"

She pulls my arm around her to rest against her back, her head nestled on my shoulder. "Snuggling? Say 'snuggle'."

"Snuggle," I comply.

She laughs. "Nope. Still funny."

A low chuckle bubbles from my lips, along with a few rasping coughs.

I dim the lights, and we lie there, with Shepard nestled against me. My heart quickens at the closeness of her, at the rare joy of having her be here, and not elsewhere. We watch the light reflected from the Presidium pools play upon the ceiling, content to hear little else but our own breaths and the dull hum of life-giving machines.

"That was a beautiful wedding today," Siha whispers after a time.

"Mm," I grunt in agreement. I press my lips against her hair and sigh. "If I was not ill, I would have asked."

"Asked what?"

"For you to marry me."

She lifts her head slowly. Her eyes meet mine. "I would have said yes."

We stare at the glimmering ceiling a while longer before she speaks again. "Though…" she begins, the word lingering in the air a moment. "I've always considered us to be married, to an extent." Her eyes find mine again, and I am held captive in her striking gaze. "It's always been 'til death do you part' with us."

I kiss her, her lips soft and warm as they move ever so slightly against mine. I have no words for how deeply I love this woman, for how thoroughly I am both strengthened and devastated by what she has said. When we separate, it takes a few seconds for me to find my voice. "We will have to have new vows, then."

She gives a small, sad smile. "In this life and the next?" she offers.

I nod, drawing her impossibly closer. "In this life and the next, Siha."


	10. Chapter 10

It has been several days since I've heard from Siha. I try not to let it worry me; I know she has been on Tuchanka, and communications are limited. Still, I find my mind wandering during my mediations, unwelcome imaginings preventing me from reaching the clarity I seek.

Kolyat will be here soon to visit. I sit in a chair in my room, finishing a cup of the tea Siha gave me. My breathing is a little easier today, and I take advantage, filling my lungs as far as I dare before releasing it in a slow, steady stream. It is a relief to have a good day at last. My condition is worsening, despite the valiant effort of my doctors. Most days now are spent confined to my bed. Today, I walk to the lounge to wait for my son. It is a simple pleasure to be able to amble about the hospital corridors unaided. Yet there is still the ever-present fear that tomorrow will see me back in that bed.

I do not regret it, however. It gives me time with Kolyat.

The elevator doors open, and my son steps out. He smiles as he spots me in my usual chair by the window. "Hello, Father," he greets when he reaches me. He takes a seat beside me. "You're looking better today."

I return his smile. "Yes, it seems Arashu has granted me a short reprieve."

"I'm glad. Should we –"

We hear a crash. Distant sounds of scraping steel and broken glass fill the air.

The lounge is still, the breaths of a hundred people collectively held suspended in the air. "What was that?" Kolyat murmurs.

I rise to my feet, taking a quick glance out the window before drawing my son away from the glass. Plumes of smoke and fire rise from the Presidium. "Something is wrong," I whisper. Apprehension prickles the back of my neck.

The lounge has now erupted in nervous chatter. Several patients and visitors press themselves against the glass, curious to see what has happened.

"You don't think it's just an electrical fire or something?" Kolyat offers. "Or maybe a car crash?"

I shake my head. "No. Emergency services are quick to respond. More so when it is on the Presidium. Emergency vehicles would have arrived on the scene by now."

I go to the receptionist. "The lounge isn't safe. Gather everyone in the examination room corridor," I tell her. "Keep them away from the windows. Make sure they lock the doors and do not open them for anyone but C-Sec personnel." The faint crackle of gunfire drifts from the Presidium.

"Okay," she replies in a quavering voice. "But what's going on?"

"I do not know yet," I admit. "But you must keep yourselves safe."

She nods before turning to the civilians in the lounge, relaying my commands. Worried faces file past me on their way to the patients' rooms.

"Kolyat," I say, turning to my son, "do you have clearance to stall the elevator?"

"Yes, it'll only take a moment." He runs to the elevator.

"Thane!" a familiar voice calls from behind me.

"Major Alenko," I greet in mild surprise. "What are you doing here?"

"I was here for a check-up." He looks around. "Do you know what's going on? I heard gunfire."

"Yes, as did I."

Kolyat rejoins us. "I shut down the elevator."

"Good," Alenko says. He brings up his omni-tool. "Maybe we can –"

The hiss of jetpacks is the only warning. I pull Kolyat behind the receptionist desk as Cerberus commandos burst through the windows at either side. Alenko dives behind a nearby couch just before the commandos open fire.

"You are unarmed?" I call out to him.

The commandos release another volley. "I didn't think I'd need my assault rifle at my check-up," Alenko shouts back. "But I wouldn't say I'm unarmed."

He brings up his omni-tool again, overloading their shields. He follows with biotics, lifting two of the commandos out from behind the couches. I rise for a moment and force them back out of the broken windows with a biotic throw. I take cover once more.

Kolyat nudges me. "Here," he says. He offers me his sidearm.

I shake my head. "You will need it."

"What about you?"

There is a narrow vent beside our feet. "I will acquire my own." I remove the grate with practiced ease. "Hold their attention. And be careful, Kolyat."

He nods then turns to fire at a commando Alenko has just frozen with a cryo blast.

I drop into the vent, landing in a crouch. I press flat against the cold metal, pulling myself along in a soldier's crawl. There is another shaft heading back to the battle above. I listen to the footsteps overhead, waiting for an opportune moment.

I spring from the vent, the noise of the breaking grate muffled by the explosions of grenades. My body moves with little thought to guide it. I duck under Kolyat's shots and slip unnoticed behind the first commando. His neck snaps in my hands. The second commando has seen me, but not before my biotics-charged hand has cracked his armor and reached his solar plexus. He doubles over, struggling to breathe, and my knee connects with his head.

A grenade falls. I leap to the ceiling, catching hold of the sprinklers. After the grenade explodes harmlessly below, I drop into the smoke, letting it mask my pursuit of new prey. I leap into a spinning kick. The smoke swirls. My leg makes contact with the head of the third man, and he is sent sprawling across the room. I drop to my knees, pick up a fallen pistol, and fire one shot through the visor of his helmet.

The smoke clears. I look about the room to reassess the situation. Major Alenko and Kolyat have dispatched the other two commandos, and I am able to relax. It is then that I notice the tightness in my chest. It feels as if I am being compressed from all sides. I take heaving gasps, filling my lungs with as much air as the broken things can hold.

"Father!" Kolyat is at my side at once. His eyes are heavy with worry.

I wave him off before he can speak further. "I'm… all right, Kolyat," I say between gulps of air. "I am… merely out of practice."

"Out of practice?" Alenko repeats. He hefts an assault rifle taken from one of the Cerberus soldiers. "I couldn't do half that stuff on a good day."

Kolyat picks up thermal clips from the floor and distributes them among us. "What do we do now?" he asks. "I should probably check in with C-Sec. See if I can help."

I press steepled fingers to my lips, thinking as I catch my breath. "I agree that we should… head towards C-Sec. It will give us a better idea of what we're up against. However…"

"It's probably the first place Cerberus hit," Alenko finishes.

"Precisely. We must exercise extreme caution."

The Major shoulders his rifle, frowning. "I'll go with you as far as the Commons."

Kolyat eyes him curiously. "You're not coming to C-Sec with us?"

Alenko shakes his head. "I'm a Spectre now. I have to protect the Council at any cost."

"But there are civilians out there!" Kolyat snaps at him. "They need our help more than the Council does!"

Alenko appears apologetic, but holds his ground. "No. We can't let Cerberus take control of the Citadel. Those civilians will suffer a lot more if they do."

I put a hand on Kolyat's shoulder. "This is not the time to argue." Silently, I offer a brief prayer to Kalahira for the souls of the departed soldiers. I then turn to Alenko. "I am ready."

"Wait," Kolyat says. He runs to an aid station at the corner of the lounge. He obtains packs of medi-gel and an oxygen mask. When he returns, he hands two packs to each of us and clips the mask to his belt. "Ready."

I glance at the oxygen mask and smile at his thoughtfulness.

The elevator is too much of a risk. Instead, we take the emergency exit, a stairway that leads down to the Presidium Commons. I take the lead. It has been many years since I did regular work on the Citadel, but the back alleys and service tunnels have changed little from the memories I see in my mind's eye.

We step out of a service tunnel and emerge near the bank. The Commons are eerily deserted, yet there is evidence of chaos at every turn. Shattered advertisements flicker with unintelligible messages. Café tables lie on their sides with the half-eaten remains of a dozen meals littering the ground around them. A few remaining civilians run in terror, clinging to the fingers of loved ones as they flee.

"Looks like Cerberus moved on from here," Major Alenko says in a low voice.

"So it would appear," I agree. "The Commons do not provide a tactical advantage. It is likely that we will only encounter a small detail of commandos, left to contain the civilian population."

"Let's hope so."

I catch his arm before he has a chance to lead us onward. "We should try to get a message out to Shepard," I tell him.

Alenko pulls his arm away. "Shepard was with Cerberus. She might be with them again. For all I know, she's in on this."

I raise a brow, truly surprised. "You believe that?"

"I… Honestly, I don't know what I believe." He sighs and runs a hand through his hair. "You trust her?"

His words puzzle me still. Siha and I are partners. Love cannot flourish where there is no trust. "Without question."

Alenko studies my face for a moment. "I'll help you hack into the emergency channels, but then you're on your own."

I bow my head in silent thanks.

"There's a C-Sec outpost near here," Kolyat puts in. "We'll be able to hack into emergency channels there. We might be able to see what's going on at headquarters as well."

We move past the transit station and elevators towards the corridor that leads to the apartments. The armored footsteps of Cerberus troops fall heavy on the pavement nearby. They stand guard, no doubt keeping the herded civilians from escaping. We hide behind the wall, flattening ourselves against it.

My chest still feels tight. It is difficult to keep from coughing.

Alenko holds up a hand, raising fingers to time our attack – one, two, three. He rounds the corner, lifting the soldiers off their feet with his biotics. Kolyat fires at one while I send a warp field crashing into the other. Kolyat's aim is true; it takes him only two shots to dispatch of the guard. I allow myself a moment of pride. I smile at him briefly before finishing off the final guard with a shot to the head.

We hurry down the long corridor, encountering several assault troopers as we step out onto the landing overlooking the gardens. The battle is not difficult, and it is not long before we reach the stairs just outside the C-Sec outpost.

Major Alenko turns to us. "It's hard to tell," he whispers, "but I think there are three of them in there."

"Four," I correct him, listening to the footfalls, the light creak of armor. "There is a centurion in the back."

He nods. "Four, then. The other three are just troopers, so they shouldn't be too hard to take out with biotics. Concentrate fire on the Centurion."

"Understood," Kolyat says, dropping another heat sink into his pistol.

When Alenko gives the signal, we round the corner. Blue blasts of biotics slam into the soldiers before they even face us. Alenko overloads the centurion's shields. Kolyat and I fire. An assault trooper beside Alenko is not yet unconscious and gets to his feet. They struggle for a moment, until the Major pierces the trooper with his omni-blade.

Soon, the centurion falls as well. Kolyat wastes no time. He runs to the console. "The network's down, but some of the security cameras are online," he says. "Let me see what's going on at headquarters." There is a pause as he flips between camera feeds. He curses under his breath.

"Trouble?" Alenko asks, coming around the desk to look at the feed.

Kolyat nods. "It looks like a warzone. There's so many of them! Look, there's even an Atlas."

Alenko points to another screen. ""They're all over the docks too. Transport shuttles. They're bringing in more troops."

Kolyat looks up at the Major. "We need help. We need Commander Shepard."

Alenko gestures for Kolyat to step aside and he takes over the console. His omni-tool comes alight as he hacks into the terminal. "Even if she's not with Cerberus anymore, she won't get here in time. Last I heard, she was on Tuchanka."

"She will be here," I say, watching the courtyard for movement.

Alenko appears skeptical. "How can you be so sure?"

I give a small smile. "It is her nature. Arashu guides her to where she is most needed."

The Major's brow furrows, but he says nothing, returning to his task. Moments pass in silence.

"We're in," Alenko says at last. He enters a command into his omni-tool. "I've transferred control to you, Thane. You should have open communications throughout the station."

"Thank you, Major."

He glances toward the courtyard. "I have to get going. Somebody has to reach the Council before more Cerberus troops come through." He heads to the doorway. "You shouldn't stay here," he tells us over his shoulder. "Once they don't hear back from these guys, this place will be swarming with commandos. Watch your backs, and take care of yourselves."

I nod. "You as well. Thank you again for your help."

He leaves, his footsteps fading quickly. It is odd, but I feel as if I will not see him again.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Story rating changed to T for language and violence.

Kolyat and I leave the outpost, taking refuge in the Cipritine Armory storefront. The store is out of the way of the main avenue. We should not be easily detected.

We sit in the shadows, lit only by the orange glow of my omni-tool. I stifle a few rasping coughs as I input the command to broadcast a distress signal.

Kolyat watches me with worried eyes.

"I'm fine," I reassure him in answer to his unspoken question. His constant worry is endearing more than it is irritating; I know he is right to be concerned. "This is merely more activity than I am accustomed to."

"You've been getting worse for a while now," he says in a soft voice. "I spoke with your doctors. They said the disease is progressing faster than expected."

I place an arm around his shoulders. "All the more reason to do what I can today. I feel better for now. That is enough."

He nods and pulls me into a brief embrace. When he draws away, his expression is still marked with pain – pain that is undoubtedly mirrored in my own countenance.

I clear my throat. "This is an urgent message to any nearby vessels. The Citadel is under attack. I repeat, the Citadel is under attack. We are in need of assistance." We sit in silence for a moment, giving time for a response. "Citadel to any nearby vessels. We are under attack by Cerberus forces. We are in need of emergency assistance."

Kolyat and I take turns broadcasting on the emergency channels. There is an eerie silence across the Commons, broken only by far-off gunfire and the occasional faint scream.

It has been over ten minutes since we began broadcasting. I consider moving on towards C-Sec and trying again later. "This is an urgent message to any nearby vessels," I repeat. "The Citadel is –"

"Hey!" A familiar voice bursts from the omni-tool.

I glance at the message signature. "Is this the Normandy?"

"Yeah, this is Joker," the voice replies.

Relief washes over me. "Joker, it's Thane. The Citadel has been overrun with Cerberus soldiers. I need to speak with Shepard. It's important."

"Yeah, no kidding," Joker says. "Hold on a minute."

There is silence for a moment, and then her voice. "Thane?"

"Siha." It has been several days since I last heard her speak. Despite the dire situation, my heart quickens at the sound of my name. "The Citadel is under attack. Cerberus troops are everywhere, and they're in control of the docks." I hear someone shouting nearby. I fear the bodies in the outpost have been discovered.

"Are you safe?" Her voice is heavy with worry.

"No," I reply. "We had to evade their commandos at the hospital. We're in a Presidium storefront."

"We?" Siha repeats.

"Kolyat is with me. We have been able to fight them off thus far, but we need assistance."

"Can you get help?" she asks. "Kaidan, maybe? Did he make it out?"

"We got separated. He said he had to protect the Council." I signal to Kolyat to watch for activity. Cerberus is likely to make a sweep of the area. "Kolyat and I are going to C-Sec headquarters."

"Why C-Sec headquarters?"

"It has been compromised, and C-Sec's response depends on it. As long as Cerberus is holding the headquarters, they have the station."

Kolyat waves to me, holding up five fingers. Five commandos. They will be difficult to fight in the open without sufficient firepower.

"Hang tight, and be careful," Siha says. "We'll be deploying to C-Sec shortly."

The communication closes. I point Kolyat towards the back. There is little time to waste fighting every Cerberus soldier between us and C-Sec headquarters. The time has come for stealth and speed.

I help Kolyat into a ventilation shaft before following behind him. From there, it is only a short crawl to one of the Keeper service tunnels.

"Come, we have to run," I say, waving for him to follow.

"What?" Kolyat says, startled. He shakes his head. "Father, no. You can't –"

"There isn't time," I say firmly. "We must go."

We race through the tunnel. Each intersection looks the same, but maps and explorations of the Citadel tunnels, catwalks, and ventilation systems appear in my mind's eye. My feet are sure as they carry me through each narrow passage. The monotony is marred only by the occasional Keeper on its way to some unknown task.

My chest grows tighter with every passing step. Each breath is a thin wheeze that does little to fill my lungs. As we come upon another intersection, I slow to a stop, desperate for air.

Kolyat unclips the oxygen mask from his belt and presses it to my face. His face is dark blue from the exertion. "You push yourself too hard," he admonishes.

"Perhaps," I admit, my voice muffled by the mask. "Many… lives are at stake."

"They won't be better off if you suffocate," Kolyat grumbles.

He is right, of course. "I'm sorry, Kolyat. I will be more careful."

He studies my face for a moment. An exasperated sigh escapes his lips even as they are graced with a grudging smile. "You're a bad liar, Father."

My son has always been wiser than his years. At times, it seems he knows me better than I know myself.

"Thane, come in," Shepard's voice interrupts from my omni-tool.

I lower my mask before speaking. "Siha, I hear you."

"We're approaching C-Sec HQ," she says. I hear the faint hum of the shuttle in the background. "We expect a firefight, but I'm going to leave this channel open. If we get any information, I want you to hear it too."

"Understood," I rasp, my voice thin with lack of breath. "We're nearing the building, but running is difficult. We'll try to get to you." I turn the volume low and replace my mask. The sounds of battle are mere whispers in the narrow tunnel. _Amonkira, Lord of Hunters_ , I pray. _Grant that her steps be swift, her aim true. Deliver her to safety and into my arms once more_.

I look up at Kolyat. "We must keep moving."

We are off once more. Kolyat pulls me to a run despite his misgivings. The mask helps; I find I am able to sustain the pace we have set.

The battle at the other end of the comm takes but a few minutes. We reach the C-Sec building, and begin to slow. Our breaths come in shallow bursts, winded as we are from the long sprint. Once we have caught our breaths, I remove my oxygen mask and hand it back to Kolyat, who clips it back onto his belt. I notice the noise of gunfire from the comm has stopped, and I increase the volume to hear. Siha is talking to someone.

"That's Commander Bailey," Kolyat whispers.

"Cerberus has control of the main channels," Bailey is saying, "but I can set up a new one. Without it, our people have no plan and no chance."

There is a service access door, and we find it locked. Kolyat brings up his omni-tool. "Hold on. I should have access, if Cerberus hasn't changed the codes yet."

On the comm, Bailey has found something. "A warning from Councilor Esheel. She's supposed to be here, meeting with the executor." He pauses, reading. "'This move may provoke retaliation…' Well, that's an understatement. If she's inside, she's in trouble."

The doors open. Kolyat and I draw our guns and step inside. The lights in the corridor flicker, damaged by bullets. A Cerberus engineer stands at the far end of the corridor, his back to us.

My feet make no sound as I rush the engineer. He hears the low murmur of conversation from my omni-tool. He begins to turn. My hands snap his neck before he sees us.

Siha is still speaking. "One councilor's better than zero. Where am I headed?"

It is Garrus who answers. "She could be in the executor's office. It's a fairly defensible position."

"I'm on it," Siha says, her tone resolute.

I turn to Kolyat. "The executor's office. Which way?"

My son looks around to gain his bearings. "Upstairs. It's not far. There's bound to be many Cerberus troops in our way, though."

"We will deal with them as they come," I say. "However, it will be quicker to avoid any long confrontations."

Kolyat blanches. "The vents, then?"

I give him an apologetic smile. "Yes, the vents."

Siha's voice comes over the comm. "Thane, did you hear all that?"

"Yes," I respond. "We're inside. We are on our way to the executor's office now."

"Good. See you up there."

I mute the channel so as not to alert any Cerberus troops to our location. We climb into a nearby vent and make our way in relative silence. We are able to avoid most of the main rooms and stairways. However, we do run into several assault troopers and engineers as we move between Keeper tunnels and ventilation shafts.

The chase, the hunt – it feels good to have a purpose to drive me. It may be freeing to have no responsibilities, but to take up a cause because it is just, because it is no more and no less than the right thing to do… That is gratifying.

We arrive in an office with a window overlooking the lobby. There are three bodies, freshly killed. I can tell even without touching them.

I un-mute the comm. "Siha, Kolyat and I have reached the executor's office. There are three casualties – the executor and two salarian bodyguards. The councilor is unaccounted for."

Gunfire and explosions sound from the other end. "All right. I think we're just a floor below you. On our way."

"Father." Kolyat points out the window. "I found Councilor Esheel."

A flicker of movement at the corner of my eye. A man clad in black is perched in the rafters. "She is not alone," I say.

I slip into a nearby vent, dropping silently into the lobby below. I hear Kolyat land beside me with a soft tap. "When I give the word," I whisper, barely louder than a breath, "take the councilor to safety."

"We're not going to wait for Shepard?" Kolyat whispers back, incredulous.

"There's no time," I say. The man in black – no doubt an assassin – lands heavily in front of the salarian. He is sloppy, or otherwise likes the attention. One should never be seen by the target.

I creep out of hiding. My feet make no sound as I approach the assassin. He takes a moment to stalk his prey. I follow. When he stops, I fire, aiming for his head.

His shields are not standard Cerberus issue. They protect him from the gunshot, though not without failing and flickering to nothing. He whirls around in surprise, knocking my pistol to the side. He is fast, throwing a flurry of punches while managing to evade my own counterattacks. I land a palm against his chest, and he stumbles backwards. In the fraction of a second it takes for him to recover, I slam him against a nearby wall with a biotic throw. I grab the salarian councilor by the arm and push him towards my son.

"Kolyat!" I shout. "Go!"

Kolyat nods, pulling the councilor away.

I turn back to where I left the assassin, but he has vanished. My eyes scan the room, but I do not need sight to find him. I listen. The tiles, the air – they paint an image even a tactical cloak cannot hide. I fire into the seemingly open air. A cry of pain pierces the quiet lobby. He materializes, clutching his side, his face twisting in anger. He draws a sword – an Earth-style katana that he twirls in showy flourishes. He lunges at me. The sword slices through the air above my head as I duck below it. I flow smoothly into a sweeping kick that knocks him off his feet. He rolls to recover, the sword still in his grasp, and he comes at me again. The blade is at an angle that I cannot easily evade. I deflect it with my gun then counter with two swift kicks in succession, one to the chest and the other to the side of the head. Another biotic throw finds him sprawling across the floor.

My chest is heavy, my breaths shallow and thin. I glance down at my pistol and discard it, half-severed as it is by the razor sharp blade. I approach him, intending to break his neck and be done with it, but he staggers to his feet. Instead of turning towards me to fight once more, he runs. He springs from desk to desk, running not towards me, but to Kolyat.

Kolyat and the councilor crouch in a corner at the far end of the lobby, blocked by the lockdown on all outer doors. My son's omni-tool glows as he works to hack past the security protocols. Upon seeing the assassin coming towards him, he stands, drawing his gun in preparation to fight.

I give chase to the assassin. I have no weapons at my disposal. My biotics will only push him closer to his target. Faintly, I am aware of voices in the executor's office above. Siha has arrived. I cannot kill him. I do not need to. I need only stall him.

I cannot let him reach Kolyat and the councilor. I cannot let him reach my son.

_Arashu, Goddess of Divine Protection, grant me wings._

I sprint after the assassin and leap, closing the distance. He spins around, sword at the ready. It pierces my flesh even as I tackle him to the floor. Searing pain shoots through my abdomen. We roll with the force of the momentum, crashing in a tangled heap against a wall.

"Thane!" Siha cries from above. A single gunshot. Glass shatters. "Thane!"

The assassin disentangles himself from me, wrenching his blade from my gut. He flees, jumping over furniture and potted plants to a staircase leading below. I struggle to a sitting position, grunts of pain escaping my lips. I gasp for breath. Red blood pours out of me.

Siha races towards me. "After him!" she yells to Garrus and Doctor T'Soni.

Kolyat reaches me first. "Father!" His hands shake as he pulls medi-gel packs from his pockets.

As Siha nears, she slows and gets to her knees. "No, no, no…" she murmurs. Gloved hands caress my face. "Thane, stay with me, okay? You have to stay with me."

I feel lightheaded and weak. The room spins. Kolyat presses two of the medi-gel packs to the wound at my front, and some of the pain abates.

"Put pressure here, Kolyat," Siha instructs, meanwhile holding another two medi-gel packs to my back.

The salarian councilor approaches. "Shepard, Udina is staging a coup. He's going to kill the other councilors!"

Shepard glares at her. "Fuck the other councilors!" I blink at her, taken aback even given the situation. I've rarely heard Siha swear. "Do you think I care about them right now?" she continues. "Thane just saved your life. Show a little goddamn respect."

"Shepard!" Garrus calls. He and Doctor T'Soni rejoin us. "He's gone. We tried to catch him, but the bastard's too quick."

She does not answer them.

Bailey's voice emerges over the comm. "Shepard? What's going on up there?"

"Thane needs medical help fast," she responds. I note a slight quaver to her voice. "Get someone from Huerta here as soon as you can."

"And the councilor?"

She glares up at the salarian. "She's fine. Thane saved her from an assassin, but the bastard got away."

"He must be going after the rest of the Council," Bailey says.

"Get the word out – Udina's trying to seize power. I'm staying with Thane until help arrives."

There is a pause. "You're not going after the assassin?"

"No." Her steely gaze is fixed upon my wounds as she and Kolyat try to stem the flow of blood. "Not until help arrives. This is non-negotiable. Shepard out."

"Siha…" I cough, sending a shockwave of pain throughout my body.

"I'm here," she croons, the venom from moments ago utterly gone from her voice. "I'm not going anywhere."

I shake my head. "No, you must go. You must… protect the councilors."

"You're crazy if you think I'm going to leave you here," Siha says, exchanging the empty packs from my back and replacing them with new ones my son gives to her.

"Perhaps." I take her hand in mine, both soaked in my blood. "But I do not… wish to be the reason the Citadel falls."

"Thane…" Her hand trembles.

"Innocent lives will suffer if you do not go." I stare into her eyes, willing her. "You cannot… let that happen." I still see the reluctance in her. She must be resolute. "Kolyat will be here with me… I have time. Catch him."

Siha bites her lip and swallows hard. She nods. "Only for you," she whispers.

She stands. The Soldier has taken over her, shoving all else aside out of necessity. "Garrus, you're with me. Liara, stay with Thane and Kolyat. Do whatever you can." A look, heavy with meaning, passes between her and the asari scientist. "Take care of him."

Doctor T'Soni kneels, taking Siha's place beside me. "I will, Shepard. Good luck."

Siha takes one final look at me before turning on her heel, walking with purpose towards the stairway. "Let's go, Garrus. We've got some catching up to do."

I watch the stairway, long after she has already gone. The pain is everywhere, settling into my bones. Or perhaps I am simply exhausted. It is difficult to breathe. I am barely aware of Kolyat pressing the oxygen mask to my face. Doctor T'Soni speaks to me, but I do not hear the words.

I succumb to the rush of memories that surge forth, unbidden. Even as I watch the past unfold, I pray to the gods… as usual, for more time. The prayer is more pressing, now.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the second to last chapter, and I hope to complete the story soon. Also, there are very slight spoilers for the Citadel DLC ahead.

I crouch in the rafters, beyond her sight. I watch, feeling strangely captivated by this soldier who has dogged my steps throughout the tower. She leaves naught but utter destruction in her wake, the fallen bodies of the dead and injured mercenaries barely giving her pause. She is truly a force to behold – singularly minded towards her goal, never pausing to rest. Never needing to. She shows compassion to the salarian workers she encounters. She kills, but never with cruelty.

"Fierce in wrath," I whisper. "A tenacious protector."

She is always right behind me. I climb, my heart beating faster than it has in years. Not with the effort of the climb upwards through the tower, but rather with the thrill of the chase. I don't know if it is me she is after or my target. Either way, I cannot let her reach her goal before my task is done.

She may be a storm on the horizon. I must be the lightning that strikes first.

ooo

The Life Support doors open and close. I know without turning, before I even hear the fall of her footsteps, who has come to call. Shepard visits often and asks many questions. I worry that I am not hospitable enough, that years of solitude have curbed my ability to relate to others. Shepard does not seem to mind, and that makes me glad. I have told myself that I don't mind being alone. But that is a lie.

I tell her about my culture, my people, my beliefs. She listens and asks questions without judgment or presumption. I cannot remember the last time I have spoken about myself, and for so long. There was no one to listen.

Speaking to Shepard brings to mind memories of Irikah. For many years, I have tried not to think too long of her. The pain of reliving those memories is often too much for me to bear. I have recalled the day I met Irikah twice now in Shepard's presence. Strange that the pain seems more bearable now, sharing it with another. The Commander doesn't know I speak of my wife – she does not know Irikah's name or that she was more than merely a "bystander" – but still… she has shared my burden. My soul feels lighter.

"Shepard," I call after her as she rises to leave. "I appreciate these chats we have."

Her face softens. "You've spent a lot of your life alone, Thane."

A small grunt escapes my lips, something between a laugh and a sigh. "Work fulfilled me. Reading. I barely spoke to anyone outside my family." Perhaps I sound as if I am defending myself. In a split second of clarity, I realize that I am not making excuses. I am listing regrets. "It seems there will be no one to mourn me when I die. You're the only friend I've made in ten years."

I expect her to chastise me, to give me platitudes, to assure me that there are many who will mourn my passing. This is not what she does.

"Friend, huh?" she says with a hint of mischief in her eyes. She shrugs. "That's a start."

"A start?" I don't know what to make of this. Of her. I feel the slightest of smiles creep across my lips. "That's… intriguing."

Shepard gives me a final grin over her shoulder as she departs. "See you later, Thane."

Long after she is gone, the smile still lingers.

ooo

Husks and abominations close in on us from all sides. Shepard and Garrus carry the disabled geth between them while I defend them with biotics and submachine gun fire. The Normandy pulls up alongside the platform, and they toss the geth toward the open airlock.

Shepard joins me, sending shockwaves toward the shambling husks, knocking them from their feet. Garrus jumps to the Normandy first. Shepard nods towards me, motioning me to jump next as she fills the air with bullets.

I hesitate and send an abomination flying with a biotic throw.

"What are you waiting for?" Shepard shouts.

"You first," I reply.

Even through her helmet, I can see the glare she sends me. "You idiot! I'll be right behind you! Just go!"

Feeling foolish, I jump. The low gravity sees me across the gap, and I land beside Garrus. I help him provide cover fire as Shepard turns and leaps.

Her feet touch upon the airlock floor. I release a breath I did not realize I've been holding.

"We're clear," she says to Joker over the intercom. "Go!"

The doors close, and the room pressurizes. Siha whirls around, tearing off her helmet. "What the hell was that?" she yells, her voice bouncing off the airlock walls. "You could've gotten us both killed!"

I peel off my breather mask. My eyes find hers, gray whirlpools of anger. "I… apologize. A momentary lapse in judgment, I assure you."

"Momentary lapse?" she repeats. "I expected more sense from you, Thane, of all—"

I find my lips quite suddenly upon hers. Her eyes widen with surprise before both our eyes close, the kiss deepening. Our mouths and tongues search each other's, learning, memorizing. It is the most exquisite thing I have felt in years.

"Oh for the love of…" I hear Garrus mutter.

My eyes open, and we part. Siha's freckled cheeks are flushed pink. She bites her lip to keep from laughing.

Garrus hauls the geth onto his shoulder and opens the door to the CIC. "I'm taking this thing to Miranda." He leaves without a second glance at either of us. "The spirits hate me. They really, really hate me."

Siha lets out the laugh she has been holding. "Oh, he is never gonna let me live this down." She turns back to me, smiling ruefully. "Way to get yourself out of trouble, mister. For such a smooth talker, you don't say much."

I smile in return. "Sometimes fewer words are more enjoyable."

Her face turns almost mockingly serious, her eyes glinting with laughter. "But don't you dare do something like that again. Any further insubordination and you'll be swabbing the deck."

I chuckle. "Swabbing the deck?"

"You heard me." She stumbles into the door frame. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I haven't taken any of that anti-venom Mordin made, and now everything is really _shiny_."

"Let me help you to his laboratory."

"I appreciate it."

We make our way through the CIC together, my arm supporting her around her waist. The scent of vanilla and gun oil fills me. I should feel calm in the wake of battle. Instead, my heart beats faster.

ooo

Siha and I lie together on her bed, our limbs tangled together after our lovemaking. I feel calmer, more content. The fear that brought me to her cabin has not passed entirely, but her presence lessens that fear. I take deep breaths of her hair, her skin. The breath clings to my lungs. I almost cough. I take her scent in again, in defiance of my illness, willing her essence to become inextricable from mine.

Siha looks up at me and strokes the side of my face with her hand. "Was that okay?" The uncertainty in her voice startles me; I am so used to Shepard's easy confidence. "I haven't been with someone from another species before."

"Neither have I," I say, smiling. I kiss the furrow from her brow. "It was strange and wonderful."

"For me too." She props herself up on one elbow and kisses me deeply.

I wish for more time. Time for us to explore each other's bodies, so alien and new to the other. Time to talk and learn more – infinitely more – about each other. But time is not with us.

She pulls away slowly, her motions heavy with reluctance. She sighs. "I should go. The Collector base isn't going to destroy itself."

"Clothes would be advisable."

Siha grins. "You don't like what I'm wearing?" She stands and poses, modeling her nakedness.

I give an amused grunt. "I like it very much, Siha, but it is… distracting."

She leans over to kiss me again. "Fair point. And not much good in a gunfight, I'll admit." She grins then gathers her clothes from the floor.

It takes us only a few moments to freshen up and get dressed. When we are finished, we stand in the doorway together. She clasps my hand in hers.

"Ready?" she asks.

"Yes."

"I'm a little nervous. How 'bout you?"

"Perhaps." I look down at our hands. "But I am not alone. That gives me courage."

"Me too." She gives me a final kiss before we head out the door and into the elevator.

ooo

The months without Siha are long, my treatments made more painful by my longing to hear from her. I write letters, record vids, pull favors with my few contacts on Earth. My efforts have been fruitless. I cannot reach her no matter what I've tried, and it angers me. I have so little time left, all of which should be devoted to Siha and Kolyat both.

I sit in my usual chair in the lounge, datapad in hand, when I see my son enter. As foul as my mood is, the sight of Kolyat lifts my spirits.

"Good afternoon, Father," Kolyat greets. He frowns, looking me over. "Are you feeling okay? You're usually just coming back from the Presidium at around this time."

"The doctors are trying a new medication, and it makes me lightheaded," I answer, a bit absently.

"What's wrong? You're upset about something."

I look up at him and gesture for him to sit beside me. "I'm frustrated. I cannot reach Shepard."

"I see." He points to the datapad in my hands. "What're you doing, then?"

"I am composing another letter. This is just a draft, however; I plan to record a vid, but I want to make certain that I have the right words." I look down at the datapad and sigh. "It is a goodbye, in case I cannot say it to her myself."

"I see." Kolyat does not argue, does not allay my fears that I will not see her again. We both know that, with my illness and the impending Reaper invasion, my fears are valid. "I thought you wrote her a goodbye letter already. The one you want me to send to her when—if you pass away."

"Yes, I did. However, Shepard informed me before she left that she accidentally saw the letter." Anger rises within me again. I don't know if it was the previous Shadow Broker or Doctor T'Soni who hacked into my files, but I feel strongly that they have ruined something that should have remained private between Siha and me. It is little comfort, but at least my goodbye letter to Kolyat has not been tampered with. I wait a few moments to let my anger abate before continuing. "I still wish for you to send it, but I thought that she might appreciate something more. Something where she can see my face and hear my voice, if only for a few moments."

I wonder if this is as much for me as it is for her. I don't want her to linger in grief at my passing, but a part of me would like to remain vivid in her memory for as long as possible. I pray to Arashu that the vid will give her comfort and solace more than pain and grief.

Kolyat watches me for a moment. "Do you want me to come by later instead? After work, maybe? We could have dinner together instead of lunch. And you'll have time to work on your letter."

I nod and smile in gratitude. "I'd like that. I'm sorry that you came all this way."

He rises from his seat. "It's fine. It takes no time at all with the rapid transit. I'll see you this evening."

My eyes follow him to the elevator before returning to the datapad. I read over the words. There is so much I wish to say to Siha. Not only to tell her goodbye or to reiterate my love for her. There are questions to ask, stories to tell, secrets to divulge. An infinite quantity of words that will never come to pass.

I drag my fingertips across the screen, resting on a single word. _Tu-fira_.

I feel as if I am already lost in my siha, already mourning what could have been. Perhaps I am not yet consumed by the feeling. Still, there is the knowledge that – even if we do see each other again – I can no longer be by her side. She has a galaxy to save, whereas there are days when I cannot even stand on my own. However much of our lives we have ahead of us, they are going in different directions.

As I often do when I begin to despair, I pray. I close my eyes, the sounds of the hospital lounge fading away. _Arashu, Goddess of Motherhood and Protection, hear my prayer. Give me the strength to face the challenges ahead. Kalahira, Mistress of the Unending Sea, if Shepard and I cannot be together in this life, grant us another lifetime together in your domain._ I have to believe that we will meet again in the afterlife, that we will be granted the time we were denied in this life. The alternative is unthinkable.

I stare at the words again. _We are alive, Siha. And when we are not, I will meet you across the sea._

They are enough. They have to be.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we are at the end. Thank you to everyone who has been following this story, despite the sometimes very long breaks between chapters. This has been a year-long labor of love for what should have been a beautiful romance. I hope I've done it justice. Please let me know what you think of it!

When I wake, I hear and feel my surroundings before I am able to see. Machines emit a faint, familiar hum. Oxygen flows into my mask with a hiss, feeding my thin and labored breathing. My chest feels compressed, each breath burning in my lungs. I feel bandages binding my abdomen, covering the wound that pulses with dull pain. Opening my eyes is a struggle. My eyelids flutter before opening, and the pale light makes my eyes ache.

"Father?"

I turn my head towards my son's voice; my vision takes a moment to focus. I lie in my hospital bed, tubes connecting me to life-saving machines. Kolyat sits beside me and peers at my face with an expression filled with sorrow. "Kolyat…" I say. My voice is strained, rough.

"How do you feel?"

Not well, if I am to be truthful. "Weak," I reply. "What has happened?"

Kolyat settles back in his chair, resting his hand on my arm. "You had to have surgery to repair your injury. You lost a lot of blood." He pulls up the sleeve of his jacket. There is a bandage on his arm. "There wasn't enough drell blood, so I donated some of mine."

"Thank you."

He gives a short nod. "Of course, Father." He attempts to smile, but I can see his heart is not in it.

"Kolyat. The prognosis…" I cough several times. Pain ripples through my chest, my stomach. "The prognosis isn't good, I take it."

He shakes his head. "No. The Citadel was in chaos. The hospital could not send anyone until C-Sec was able to give them the all-clear. The blood I gave… It wasn't enough, and the other drell on the station are so scattered." He swallows a few times before continuing. His voice is soft and small when he speaks. "The doctors say… They say that because of the severe blood loss, and because your lungs are over-taxed from all the running and fighting today… Your lungs aren't getting enough oxygen. And… they cannot recover, Father. The disease has progressed." He sighs before continuing, his voice breaking. "There's nothing more they can do. It… it will be soon."

I hold my arms out to him. There is only a moment of hesitation before he stands and leans over the bed so I can embrace him. I hold him for a time – longer than I ever have in over a decade. I find I am still afraid of what lies ahead, but my fear is now more for Kolyat than it is for me. I am leaving him in the midst of a terrible war, where the stakes are not honor or glory or power, but survival. I will cross the sea and find rest there. I fear he is soon to follow.

I release him after a time, the position awkward and difficult to maintain. Kolyat straightens, taking a deep breath. "I… I wanted to be the one to tell you," Kolyat says, his voice still hoarse. His cheeks are wet with tears I did not see him shed. My hospital gown is damp at the shoulder. "I figured you've had enough of doctors."

I give him a small smile. "I have. Thank you." A fresh bout of coughing takes me. It seems to go on interminably, until finally it begins to calm. The look on my son's face is heartbreaking, and I will my breath to steady itself, if only to ease his suffering.

"Are you in a lot of pain?" he asks, his voice small. "Should I get a nurse? Maybe they can give you something."

I shake my head. The movement makes me dizzy. "No, anything… anything they give me will make me sleep." I take his hand and squeeze it gently. "If these are to be my final moments, I wish to face them with my eyes open."

He nods and sits back into his chair, our hands still linked.

"Kolyat, listen…" I take a few breaths, as deep as I can make them, in hopes I will have enough breath for what I have to say. "I have… written you a letter. I recorded a vid as well. You will find them in my files. But it is vital… that you hear some of the words in person."

I cough again, though it is not so severe. "I have not been a good father to you. Perhaps… perhaps I never have been. I have left you… in the care of others far too often. You deserved more than what I have given you."

Kolyat shakes his head, but says nothing.

"I have many regrets, Kolyat. I should have… been there for you, for your mother. Despite it all… you have grown into an exceptional person. I have had little part… in raising you to be the person you are now." I smile, my heart swelling with feeling for him. "Still, I am so proud."

He does not speak; I do not think he can. Instead, he lays his head against my shoulder. We remain like this for a long time. I lie awake, relishing this rare and final moment of closeness with my son. He is so still that I wonder whether he has fallen asleep, until I hear him whisper. "I forgive you, Father."

I close my eyes, thanking the gods for this moment. Worried that I might fall asleep if my eyes are closed too long, I open them and rest my head against his.

ooo

I do not know how much time has passed – an hour, or perhaps two – when I hear shouting coming from the corridor. The tirade grows louder with each passing second. It sounds panicked and scared more than truly angry. I do not understand the words, but I know the voice. "Siha…"

Kolyat lifts his head from my shoulder and looks out through the glass door behind him. "Yes, it's her. She's yelling at one of the doctors." He turns back to me and frowns. "I think they're breaking the news to her," he says in a low tone.

"Please bring her in," I say. I worry for the doctor. Biotics can become unstable when emotions run high, and I do not want Siha to do something she might regret.

Kolyat leaves the room. I watch him walk toward the end of the corridor, but lose sight of him once he moves past the glass. Minutes pass. Finally, he returns with Siha close behind him.

"Thane…" She is at my side in an instant.

"Siha," I greet her. "I'm afraid I've picked a bad time to leave."

She bends so our heads are close. She takes my hand, caressing it in slow, even strokes. Her hands are warm to the touch, soothing to my cold skin. "You couldn't disappoint me, Thane. Not even now."

"Such pleasant things from your lips." Another fit of coughing takes me. When it ends, I must take a gasping breath before I am able to speak. "Excuse me. Breathing is difficult."

"It's all right," she says, taking a seat beside me. "Do you need anything?"

I give a slight shake of my head; I cannot manage more than that. "No. I have all I need now." More coughing, more gasping breaths. "But tell me. The Council… did they survive?"

It is Kolyat who answers. "Yes, Father. Three are alive, thanks to you and Shepard. Udina… he instigated it. He is dead." He says the last sentence with a note of satisfaction.

"That assassin should be embarrassed," I say in a similar tone. "A terminally ill drell managed to stop him from reaching his target."

"You did more than that." Siha smiles, but I can see that it is forced. "I hear you really kicked his ass."

I manage a smile of my own. "Perhaps a little."

A heavy silence falls over us. After a moment, Kolyat touches my arm. "Maybe you and Shepard would like a moment alone?"

"Yes, thank you, Kolyat."

Siha nods. "Yeah, thanks. I'll come get you if he starts to get worse."

"I'll be right outside," he says. He darkens the glass, making it opaque to give us some privacy, then leaves.

Neither Siha nor I say anything at first. In truth, I do not know where to begin.

She glances at the small bedside table. The half-empty tin of tea sits beside my used cup from this morning, what seems a lifetime ago. "You didn't finish your tea," she says softly.

Tears pour from her eyes all at once, and she bites back a sob. She turns her face away, wiping at her eyes furiously with the heel of her hand. "Shit. Of all things to make me cry…"

"Siha…" I reach up, pulling her back to face me. "You needn't… hide from me." It occurs to me that I have never seen her cry. Her emotions, usually so well-guarded, are raw and naked on her face. She is so beautiful. Perhaps one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. How strange that – even now, when I am so close to the end – there can still be new things, first things. We are still forming new memories together. I brush tears from her cheeks with my thumb. I begin coughing again, but do not remove my hand.

She covers my hand with one of hers, pressing into the touch. "I thought I was ready," she says through her ever-flowing tears. "I thought I was prepared. You told me you were dying. I knew it was going to happen. But I'm so stupid. How could I prepare for this? How could I _ever_ be ready for this? Somewhere in the back of my mind, I always thought we'd have more time."

I pull her closer until our foreheads touch. "Then… we are fools together," I tell her. "For I… I thought the same."

"I love you, Thane," she says in a fierce whisper. "My memory may not be like yours, but I could never forget you. Not ever."

"And… I love you, my siha." I lower my oxygen mask and kiss her, as long and as deeply as I dare. When our lips part, my breath is thin and reedy. I struggle to keep from coughing, but I cannot control the spasm that ripples through my chest. "You have… gifted me with so many… fond memories," I say when I have caught a bit of breath. "Thank you."

She kisses my cheeks, her hands caressing the ridges as if to memorize them. Her tears spill onto my skin. A flash of memory flickers across my vision for just a moment. _It rains. It always rains on Kahje_. When she straightens, her crying has at last seemed to have found its end.

"Siha, I have one final thing… to ask of you," I say.

She nods. "Kolyat?"

"Yes," I agree. Still more coughing. "Please… look after him. He has no one now."

She nods again. Her eyes turn steely, resolute. "I will, I promise. No matter what happens, I will protect him, Thane."

I kiss her hand. It seems that I will be giving him over to another's care for the last time. "Thank you."

Another fit of coughing takes me, longer than the last. When it finally ends, I am shaking and lightheaded. Siha tries to put the oxygen mask back on, but I shake my head. "No, leave it off. It won't… it won't be long now. Please call… for Kolyat."

Siha lets go of my hands slowly, reluctant to pull away. She opens the door and wordlessly motions for my son to come inside. When they are both at my bedside, I take one of their hands in each of mine.

"There is something I must do before it gets worse. I must…" I gasp for breath, abandoning the sentence. I give a short nod to Kolyat; I had arranged with him the prayers I wished to be said upon my passing. I wait until my breath steadies before I begin, closing my eyes. "Kalahira, Mistress of Inscrutable Depths, I ask forgiveness. Kalahira, whose waves wear down stone and sand –" I cannot continue. Try as I might to control the coughs, they keep coming.

"Kalahira," Kolyat continues, "wash the sins from this one and set him on the distant shore of the infinite spirit."

I open my eyes in surprise and smile. His tone, his cadence… He does not read from a book, but recites from memory. "Kolyat… You speak as the priests do. You have been spending time with them."

Kolyat gives a slight nod, his face grave. His folded hands tremble. He pulls a book from his pocket, and goes to stand closer to Siha. "I brought a prayer book," he says to her. "Shepard, would you care to join me?"

Siha says nothing, but leans to read from the book.

My eyes feel heavy. My limbs as well. It is strange how calm my breathing has become, and so suddenly.

"Kalahira…" I hear Kolyat's voice, but no longer see his face. My eyes are open, but cannot focus. I cannot see Siha either. They are lost in an ocean fog. "This one's heart is pure, but beset with wickedness and contention."

Siha's voice takes up the prayer. "Guide this one to where the traveler never tires, the lover never leaves, the hungry never starve."

As she speaks, her voice begins to fade. The sound of waves rises in a crescendo, until Siha's voice is little more than a whisper in the wind.

"Guide this one, Kalahira, and she will be a companion to you as she was to me."

I slip beneath the water's surface. The roar of the waves consumes me. I am weightless, carried ever forward by the tide. A distant shore calls for me beyond the light of a rising sun.

I carry nothing but my memories – a stream of people and voices and emotions that flit past my vision a thousand times over. A thousand times I live, begging forgiveness at Irikah's feet, weeping with joy at Kolyat's birth, numb with rage and helplessness at my wife's death. Innumerable lifetimes pass, where I fall into despair, only to be pulled back up by Siha's boundless devotion.

I am weightless, driftwood carried to familiar sands. Contentment washes over me; I am finally able to rest. There is much that awaits me in the land beyond, but here I remain for now.

I wait, until she too becomes weightless. One day, the waves will surely carry her back to me. And when that day comes, I will be here to welcome her home.

~end~


End file.
